Anablogcabin
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
A Moment for Us
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 2:16 PM
Before we're entirely consumed by the ceremonial post-breakup backstabbing and fingerpointing, I'd like to offer up some highlights from our time together.
Our "Best of..." if you will.
Freedom of Speech
In the name of judicial prudence, Barry goes buckwild on a past-its-prime hip hop group looking to milk Fox for some dough.
The Committee: A Better Way to Date
Our attempt to orchestrate Spencer2K's love live via committee died on the vine, but not before inspiring some of our most florid prose. Witness the origins here and here. Then the trademarking here and here.
We took some interesting passes on Spencer2K's profile for Match.com here and here.
Read drafts of the "introduction letter" here and here.
Finally, as blind ideology took root, we went off the deep end. Read the rampant metaphorizing here and here.
Night of the Fleshlight
A casual reference to this high-concept masturbatory aid unearthed a minor scandal involving 'The Fleshlight,' a pair of roomates and a magazine assignment gone too far. Conflicting accounts emerged, one from our host, the other from The Reverend. It was "Penthouse Letters" meets "Rashomon," and it was good, so good.
Sock it to Ya
Spencer2K struck a chord with his valorization of a certain auto-erotic cleanup method. Read the thread here, here, and here.
Sleeping Beauty
The "strange adventures in masturbation" thread also produced this gem, courtesy of The Reverend.
Hulk Leads Men
When Arnold Schwarznegger announced his intent to run for governor of California, late-night talk show writers rejoiced. Here at Analogcabin, we took the high road.
Lost in Translation
Differences over Sofia Coppola's Golden-Globe nominated Tokyo valentine produced our longest and most heated debate.
Service.
Return.
Rebuttal.
Rebuke.
Volley.
Point and Match.
Which brings us to the rivalries. Count the jibes, the disses, the snaps, the "no he didehnts."
Cabin on Saffron
Analogcabin knows Jimmy Saffron. Then again, Salieri knew Mozart.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
Saffron on Cabin
Jimmy Saffron knows Analogcabin. Then again, Brutus knew Caesar.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Then there was...
Sumday on Cabin
Sumday on Saffron
Saffron on Sumday
Sumday on Ritter
Shakti on Saffron
Most Practical Post
In a rare display of graciousness, our host offers some sound suggestions for planning a move.
Incense to Insense
A keeper from Sue.
King of the Non-Sequitur
When it comes to hairpin turns on topics, all hail Sumday. Here's exhibit A.
Neo-Cons in Love
Sumday and Saffron shed light on an unexplored corner of our nation's political zeitgeist.
Most Nonsensical Post
Courtesy of Barry. Parse at your own risk.
Most Impertinent Post
Take your pick. Here. Or here.
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Monday, December 22, 2003
Pia's Golden Globes
Posted by Analogcabin @ 2:02 PM
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Friday, December 19, 2003
Tommy Mottola is a Racist Devil!
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 7:18 PM
Pia Zadora winning a Golden Globe is tantamount to Mariah Carey having a record deal. Both honors are won in the sack, and everyone knows it.
But seriously, folks. Lost in Translation should not garner Sophia a best screenwriter nomination. How much "a day in the life of" dialogue does it take to win a coveted writing award for ficition? Might as well give the award to the makers of Frontline or Mike Wallace.
In my book, ever since that awful White Stripes video with Kate Moss, SCopp has no buzz (catchword courtesy Whatevs; 2003).
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Poor Pia Zadora
Posted by Sue @ 6:31 PM
Pia Zadora not only won the Golden Globe for "Best New Actress" in 1982 for her role in "Butterfly"... She also won the "Razzie" award for "Worst Actress" for the very same performance.
Goddamn foreigners.
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Humble Pie
Posted by Analogcabin @ 6:01 PM
I've been proven wrong by that most sacred of institutions, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, and am here to eat my crow.
Scholars and laymen have long looked to the Golden Globes, and so will I from here on out. Past coronations include Pia Zadora, who won in 1981 when her husband flew the HFPA to Las Vegas, and Bugsy.
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Hello.
Posted by Sue @ 5:06 PM
I was just perusing the list of Golden Globes Nominees and noticed that Sofia Coppola has been nominated not only for best Director, but best Writer as well. Both nominations (or "noms" as we here in Los Angeles say) were for "Lost In Translation."
Do you care to comment, Analogcabin?
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Wherefore Art Thou Ninja?
Posted by The Reverend Harlow Jesse Carpenter @ 11:45 AM
Young squires -
I also enjoy the ninjas, and am deeply saddened that they no longer hold the same mystique as they did in their popular heyday (the 1980s). Our grandchildren may have trouble understanding why Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes (not exactly a ninja, but close enough) were the epitome of badass, and that is unfortunate.
Did the advent of shinier, more-hyped "ancient" fighting techniques really snuff out the once-feared ninjitsu? Or was it one too many ridiculous ninja-themed movies that did what generations of loyal, law-enforcing, government footsoldiers could not? Perhaps the ninja became cocky, and begin making extravagant demands before agreeing to unravel his numchuks. Perhaps he grew to love the feel of his genuine moleskin facemask more than the sound of his enemy's snapping windpipe. As his kills mounted ever more rapidly, perhaps he began to wonder - "Is the silent dispatch of well-armed quarry really all there is in this life? I coulda been a surgeon...."
The authors of Anablogcabin could learn much from the ninjas. Like the ninja warriors of 1991, here we stand, about to "become ones and zeroes" with the universe. A-Cab runs a tough ninja camp. Some of his ninjas thrill for the daily kill, while others prefer to roam the shadows... slowly stalking their prey... waiting for the right moment to strike it down with their adamantium throwing stars.
Just because a ninja kills only on a clear, moonless night, does that make his kill any less spectacular?
The ninjas of the 1980s are quiet. But do we assume them dead?
Maybe... just maybe... the ninjas are in hiding. As is their wont.
Will the Anablog ninjas turn on one another? Will they commit electronic hari-kari? Will they go into the ninja camp business for themselves?
Ultimately, A-Cab holds the poison-tipped blowdart.
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Sun Shines on the Bay
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 11:35 AM
I'm thoroughly irked that no one told me Steve Perry was involved as a "music consultant" on the upcoming film Monster.
Loving, touching, squeezing...another.
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Thursday, December 18, 2003
A Day In Review: Ninjas
Posted by the spencer2000 @ 8:25 PM
As of late, Ninja's have been a subject of interest to me. It started when I met a young woman in a bar who was studying to be a Ninja. She claimed that Ninjitsu was the ultimate martial art. I told her to get over herself, and that Ninjas were so 80's. Anyone remember Ninja 3: The Domination? The woman said I shouldn't buy that shrink-wrapped commercialized image of the ninja Hollywood feeds us. She explained that ninjas harbor a sacred power, an ultimate power if you will, that we should all study and respect. Gazing at her supple breasts, that's all the convincing I needed to hear.
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Drama
Posted by Analogcabin @ 4:04 PM
So much drama, Sumday. Let's not be ridiculous. Let's not be rash. I want you all to continue. Nay, I demand you all continue. I will physically force you all to continue.
Well, not all of you. Some of you. It's just not going to be the same format. I'm going to give you all the chance to shine, free of concerns like those we have here. I'm working on the redesign now. There's one technical issue I'm grappling with (how, oh, how to have a blog post to the main page as well as another page... ideas?), but the bulk of the work will be done shortly.
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Rest in Peace
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 1:47 PM
Maybe it's the holiday season. As work slows down and we prepare to return to our ancestral homes, everybody puts on the brakes and stops giving a shit. For that reason and perhaps many others, we've been reduced to having a conversation about whether or not we should continue having a conversation, and what sort of conversation we should be having. And, unfortunately for none, we're not succeeding in a conversation of any kind, and haven't been for a very long time.
I appreciate Cabin's tolerance of our lackluster posting efforts and our reliance on him to fuel conversations and comments.
But, in fairness to him, why don't we just kill this thing? I say this, in this oh-so-public forum, so that Cabin doesn't have to say it himself. If we want our own blogs we should create them ourselves, but anablogcabin ain't working.
Anybody have any passionate e-pinions here? I'm just trying to think of things to justify our forum, and I'm coming up short.
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Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Coupling.
Posted by Sue @ 5:05 PM
Perhaps we could do a "couples" blog with our significant others (for those with significant others than our right hands). It would be a dialogue documenting the minutiae of daily life in our respective cities. For example:
John: "Hi Jane. Just get back from work?"
Jane: "Yeah, John."
John: "Super. I see you went grocery shopping."
Jane: "Yes. I did. You wouldn't believe the price of meat."
John: "I can imagine. What with this grocery workers strike going on."
Jane: "I need to pee."
John: "Ok. I'm going to blog while you're peeing."
See. Something like that might work. Notice it tackles real issues (e.g., the plight of grocery workers in Southern California.).
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Let Me Be Clear
Posted by Analogcabin @ 10:43 AM
By "topic" I mean general subject. Leftist politics would be a legitimate focus here, you pinko sonofabitch. On the other hand, I would require some convincing that Viggo Mortensen is an appropriate topic.
By a committment to post, I'm talking about one a day or more. We all get busy, but I don't think blogs that are updated less than once a day on average are worth reading.
And let's get honest, here -- I can think of only four current Analogcabin participants that seem capable of or willing to accomplish said feat.
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Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Monkeys
Posted by Barry @ 7:02 PM
I'm going to visit monkeys in Ohio at the Columbus Zoo... oh... and my family... but they are in Kentucky. But a certain cinema professor is in Ohio and I'm going to visit him... but he's not a monkey.
Can I have a page about monkeys?
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How About That
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 6:39 PM
Delusions, Cabin? I don't consider them to be anything other than cold, hard, fanciful premonitions. King of inane subtopics, verbose tangents, and ego-sating pronouncements, I don't hesitate to imply that most of the industrial world lives because I live. They visit this website not out of habit, or desire, but of need, attempting to resist the all too powerful urge to see what yours truly has written for them on any given day. Tiny morsels I give them, Cabin, little breadcrumbs leading to my feet, where they bow and grovel at prose more beautiful than Joyce, quips more fatal than Twain's, a virility rivalled by none.
Delusions?
Yeah, whatever. You're insane.
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Count Me In... Sorta.
Posted by Sue @ 4:53 PM
I'm in. And the first issue I'd like to tackle is that of "tackling" in NCAA football: It's effects on the mind. Is this an acceptable topic?
So how often are we going to be expected to post? I mean, really what's on my mind right now is getting a job. I really am not thinking about much more than that right now. Sure, the dow is at 10,000, but how is that going to help me?
Until next time, you can find me soaring diagonally though Santa Monica in Sumday's Wonkavator.
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Topics
Posted by Analogcabin @ 2:58 PM
I'm enthused by your enthusiasm, Sumday. On some level I know it's driven by your own delusions of grandeur and long-incubated desire to go solo, but if that's a crime, we're all guilty.
Who else is in? Who else can commit to regular if not furious posting? And what topics do you all plan on tackling?
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Know Too Well
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 2:14 PM
Our folly. The dream of the commune. Damned, we are, to dream this undreamable dream. This collective, fraternal wet dream. Filled with hubris, hoisting ourselves high above the bucoliscape with our Wonkavators and respective petards.
But alas, the dreams of men are never enough.
I'm on board, Cabin. And I think it will work for a number of reasons. First, those like Jimmy, natural blowhards and propagandists, will not feel the need to censure themselves and can post their regurgitated left-wing ideas indefinitely. More importantly, though, I've always felt that certain contributors, like the Reverend, have been ashamed of our juvenile posts and 5th grade-level prose. I want more Rev. I want a lot more. And I think he'll deliver.
This could work. The dream is alive.
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Revision
Posted by Analogcabin @ 10:20 AM
So it's obvious we're floundering, boys, and I think it's time we do something about it.
Individually, we've got something to say. Usually. The problem is maintaining a cohesive train of thought among us. My idea is that we abandon it. It being this. This being our folly and the dream of the commune.
I've been working on a redesign that would reimagine Analogcabin as the place you (you being the no one that does) come to read five or six blogs, one written by each of us. Perhaps Saffron's would be dedicated to his pinko political leanings. Sue's could be about Hollywood. Mine would of course be about reality television. Whatever. The point is that each of us would choose a topic and stick to it. When tuning in to this site, people would be able to read the most recent entry of each of the blogs. Clicking more would take them to a full page of that person's blog. Get it?
Thoughts, please.
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Friday, December 12, 2003
"Dysentery Amongst the Ranks"
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 6:37 PM
So we're all aware of the ongoing grudge match between the Pentagon and State.
Is it safe to say it's on between the Pentagon and the White House as well?
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Is that a pajama top?
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 4:17 PM
I don't know about you, but I could sure use a Jacottomy.
via Whatevs.
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Preposterous
Posted by Analogcabin @ 11:10 AM
If ever you doubted it, this proves that Justin Timberlake is a preposterous human being.
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All Balled Up
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 11:01 AM
You can't tell me that it wouldn't be fun to try the new EZE C.D. on the Spencer2000 in order to determine robotic genitalia's susceptibility to rubber bands.
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Thursday, December 11, 2003
Two words: let down
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 11:40 PM
I waited all day for our host's thoughts on this gem.
But to no avail.
As such, no buzz.
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"Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way to Erasing Iraq's Debt," by James Baker
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 11:09 PM
Another piece from The New York Times riddled with grafs that blur the line between news items and punchlines.
Here's my favorite:
Under the Pentagon rules, only companies whose countries are on the American list of "coalition nations" are eligible to compete for the prime contracts, though they could act as subcontractors. The result is that the Solomon Islands, Uganda and Samoa may compete for the contracts, but China, whose premier just left the White House with promises of an expanded trade relationship, is excluded, along with Israel.
The Solomon Islands. Uganda. Samoa. And Brown & Root. Now that's what I call stiff competitition.
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Fare Me Well
Posted by Shakti Mann @ 6:10 PM
OK, boys. I leave to meet my own mind in a matter of hours. Not to return for 30 days. I will miss you all. Keep eyes peeled for postcards.
And to you, readers of Analogcabin.com, I leave this as the fellas discuss music and all things "fuck-filled"....
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Bias
Posted by Analogcabin @ 3:45 PM
That's a politically biased post, Sue, though I like the phrase "fuck-filled Bush."
In other news, the great Anderson Cooper of CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 is doing a series on secret societies this week. Last night was Skull and Bones (a group the members of which include both Presidents Bush.) Tonight is the mother of all secret societies, the Freemasons.
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Diarrhea of the Mouth
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 2:46 PM
"So I was preparing for my interview with rock musician Andrew W.K. Drew up a list of about twenty questions. Boy, did I overcompensate."
From The Onion.
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Gu-gu-gu-gu!
Posted by Sue @ 2:28 PM
I was just surfin' the web today and somehow came across this. I was confused upon that link's discovery because I didn't know if I was supposed to laugh or cry. I mean, c'mon folks. Will we ever be at "Low"... No. Never. Not so long as we are the world's sole superpower. And are we ever going to be at "Severe"!? Probably not until the damage has already been done.
The more I think about it, the more I truly believe this bullshit "Terror Alert" system is just another way for the fuck-filled Bush administration to pretend they're doing something about a hopeless cause. They want to keep the average stupid folk (i.e., 80%+ of the US population) frightened in a perpetual "Elevated" terror alert believing that only Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Ashcroft care enough to do something about it.
If you ask me, our beloved Bush administration is the true beast of terror. I'm not afraid of some Osama moron who spends his days holed up in some Afghan cave... It's the corrupt heads of the known universe's most powerful empire I fear -- and the ignorance and want of a naive populace. Now that's terror.
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See What I Mean?
Posted by Sue @ 12:18 PM
The other day I was waxing grateful about how Analogcabin has introduced me to some great music over the years. Because of him, I have been introduced to such great music as Iron & Wine, Elliott Smith, Low, and the like. Today, Analogcabin has done it again, folks. I had never before even heard of Andrew W.K. And now, I can keep Andrew W.K. in the company of legends.
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Modern Marvel
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 10:59 AM
Hopefully some of you took my advice and were able to snoop around the website of the world's greatest newspaper the other day. If not, here's a little taste of the occassional genius borne from our nation's heartland.
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When It's Time to Party, We Are Always Partly Hard
Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:53 AM
I've never understood the popularity of Andrew W.K. That all changed when I saw this.
Link via The Blueprint.
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Schlub on Songs
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 12:11 AM
There's a nifty feature on the iTunes Music Store called "Celebrity Playlists." Janet Weiss of Sleater-Kinney has a list up there now which is worth a peak
(or whatever the auditory equivalent of a "peak" is).
I was pleased to see we share the same favorite Elliott Smith song.
Pleased for her, that is.
Flattered, really.
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Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Who Knew?
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 11:16 AM
Cabin, I appreciate your disdain of all things that you did not discover and therefore can claim credit for yourself (i.e., the Strokes). It's very honorable. Quite.
So, I've previously written about my obsession with entering random words into Ebay and today, after wasting away the first half hour of work reading New York Times editorials, I checked to see what would pop up when I entered chainmail into the Ebay subject line. Who knew that the dark ages were so...hot?
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Filthy Celebrity Imposter
Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:58 AM
More evidence of the genius of Filthy Celebrity Imposter is that he perfectly summed up my feelings on The Strokes Monday.
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Tuesday, December 09, 2003
"Ray, the next time someone asks you if you're a God, you say 'yes!'"
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 7:36 PM
From The Washington Post:
The comments on Gore's stunning decision was precipitated when one of the debate's moderators, ABC's Ted Koppel, invited the field of nine candidates to "raise your hand if you believe that Gov. Dean can beat George Bush."
Only one, Dean, raised his hand.
Idiots. It's basically like saying they wouldn't vote for the man were he the nominee.
Electibility may be a criterium for Democratic voters this year. But there oughta be a moratorium on it among the nominees. As far as they're concerned, everyone can be beat Bush. Everyone. Anyone. I don't care if Koppel takes a vote on who thinks Al Sharpton can beat Bush.
Okay, so I could understand if no one raised their hands then...
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Mission Accomplished.
Posted by Sue @ 11:56 AM
I understand your skepticism in the system, Saffron. But I like to believe that one man can make a difference in this cold, cruel world.
Case in point: Mein Kampf. No, not that Mein Kampf. But a true struggle... A struggle of the most pressing degree... A struggle with pop-up ads.
I sent the note (below) to CNN.com. And do you know what happened? Lo and behold, they removed that fucking green present from the screen. I know, I know. The chances that my email was the straw that broke the camel's back is slim to none. Still, CNN's prompt removal of that electronic pollution from their website is all I wanted -- and what I got.
No need to thank me, fair citizens of the world. Go! Read your subpar, shit reporting at CNN.com without interruption!
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Monday, December 08, 2003
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 7:46 PM
I don't know, Sue. I imagine you're neither the first to lodge such a complaint, nor will you be the last.
I also imagine CNN not giving two shits.
I've only responded to one of those customer feedback forms once. It was regarding a new Taco Bell product. When asked if I would like to submit a "complaint" or a "compliment," I chose "complaint." And then I wrote:
"My only complaint is that I cannot eat Taco Bell's new Fajita Grilled Stuft Burrito everyday.
Yours,
John David Bussman"
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The News You're Not Supposed to See
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 3:32 PM
The world is a big, dangerous place, Sue. It's tough to make sense of the daily events that go on around us. Luckily, there's the Times Union (www.timeswrsw.com), the world's only arbiter of truth and a relentless muckraker of all that is unknown. Be sure to check out the Letters to the Editor section for a quick peek inside the elusive Midwestern mind.
And don't skimp on those News Views!
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Oh, Shit...
Posted by Sue @ 12:10 PM
Wait a second... I told everyone to go to The Buffalo News... Well, DON'T! There is just as annoying a pop-up ad on that site too! Some goddamn calendar!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK! Is there no shame among America's news sources? Has journalistic integrity been thrown out the proverbial window???
To put it simply: "Goddammit."
Who the fuck cares... None of these rags are fit enough to wrap a fish in anyway...
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Those Fucks at CNN and Discover Card Are At It Again.
Posted by Sue @ 12:06 PM
Here's a recent comment I sent to CNN.com. They asked me to check a button that said is this feedback "Negative" or "Positive." I chose the former, thank you.
Dear Fuck-O's:
I understand that CNN.com relies heavily on advertisers to provide revenue for its website service. However, today I was THOROUGHLY annoyed by a Discover Card pop-up advertisement that would NOT GO AWAY. I tried desperately to find some sort of "close" button to get this giant green gift box off of my screen but was unable to do so... Until I looked on the FAR side of the screen and saw the "close" button stealthily hidden in the background of thie page.
Again, as I said, I understand the need for ads, however this ad makes me FURIOUS. In fact, I have resolved NEVER to patronize Discover Card or any other advertisers who choose to promote their product in such an offensive, intrusive and ANNOYING manner. But not only does such an ad reflect poorly on its company, but CNN.com as well. I think today, I will choose some other news site... simply to avoid such an annoying pop-up ad.
Sincerely,
[MY NAME REMOVED TO PROTECT MY ANONYMITY]
Santa Monica, CA
Dearest Analogcabin readers. Please boycott CNN and Discover. Transfer your debts to a lesser evil (like Citibank or the like) and read, instead, The Buffalo News.
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Sunday, December 07, 2003
T-Minus Four Days...
Posted by Shakti Mann @ 5:15 PM
...until I vanish into deep retreat.
So if you need to tell me off, lob an insult, lodge a complaint, or make light of my (mis)adventures to my face before I go, now is the time.
I have communicated with our fearless leader and I will be sending one postcard a week to all of you care of the Spencer2000. Said cards will be scanned and posted for your enjoyment. I'm under specific instructions from Analogcabin to talk about my daily schedule and "any hot girls" in these missives. So, hopefully, they will be interesting for all of you and the general readership of this blog.
And now, on with the countdown...
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Friday, December 05, 2003
You Calling Me Yellow?
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 2:01 PM
What did you want me to do, Cabin? As has been stated, repeatedly I might add, by Sue, people disappear all the time. I didn't want to be one of those people.
You see, Cabin, I am a very nervous and small person, incapable of confrontation. Also, we were hungry and decided to get a burger.
So why don't you step BACK, until you gets to the LizzA tonight, where if you like, you can step to ME and my posse of like-minded Angelinizzos at the Town House.
Represent.
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...And the Final Chapter Is?
Posted by Analogcabin @ 1:55 PM
So you mean to tell us that you just turned around and left?
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Let's Talk About Freemasons
Posted by Billy Sumday @ 1:33 PM
I've got an idea: Let's put on an avant-garde theatre show!
No? OK, well here's another: Let's stop our inter-office bickering, pissing, and moaning, and get back to throwing shit on the real meanies, the Freemasons.
Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I was fortunate enough to spend some QT in the foothills of the Sierra Nevadas where I discovered, by chance or by fate, that we were near several spooky-dookie caves. As my brother and I ventured out to spend the afternoon spelunking one of the more popular and frequented caves, we passed by an old, decrepit sign that informed us of a small dirt road jutting off from the highway. The sign read, faintly, "Masons Cave" with a Freemason's symbol and an arrow pointing. We were intrigued. Not aroused, but intrigued.
We continued on our way and hastily explored the cavernous oddities and helectite majesty of The Black Chasm Cave. As we were leaving, we attempted to glean any secret information regarding the Mason Cave from one of the helpful guides.
"Uh...I'm new here. I don't know much about the formations in many of the caves around this area, but I'm sure if you ask Betty in the gift-"
"No, no - just...well, do you know why it's called 'Mason Cave'," I implored.
"Um, yeah. The Masons hold meetings there."
As if it were that obvious. The Masons hold meetings there. Not held. Hold. Whatevs.
Clearly we had to explore. As we jumped into our MG, dropped the top, and sipped our martinis, my bro threw it into sixth gear and we found ourselves at the entrance to the ominous Mason's Cave.
"Should we?"
"I don't know. These are Masons, bro."
"You're right. They can't harm us."
"Let's rock."
We pulled into the drive and creeped along, making our way to a now clearly visible rock mount, limestone and marble outcroppings rising out of a low forest.
"I don't know what's going to happen, but I want you to know that I love you."
"Did you really think you had to say that? I already know."
"Listen, Billy, if don't make it, I want you to have my Swatch collection."
"Don't think for a second you're not gonna make it, bro. Not for ONE second."
It was at about this time that we both looked up and saw, to our dismay, another small sign poking out from the edge of the road. Accompanying a caricature of a grinning hillbilly poking out of an oversized pick-up truck holding a double-barreled shotgun were the words, and I quote:
"You drivah too fast, den I shootah you tires."
My brother and I quietly slowed the car, turned around, and left. Who are these Masons? Why don't they like people driving fast? How can we release their vice grip from the control of the economy, the entertainment business, our thoughts, and our happiness?
In related news, read this.
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Thursday, December 04, 2003
From the Office of Jimmy Saffron
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 10:35 PM
Jimmy Saffron has no comment.
He can neither confirm nor deny making a phone call to Analogcabin this afternoon. He does not wish to discuss any business that he may or may not have with that person.
Specifically, he will not be commenting on the following:
- Analogcabin's general lack of gratitude toward Saffron as a contributor to this weblog;
- Analogcabin's singling Saffron out as a sub-standard poster whilst ignoring the shortcomings of the other site contributors;
- Analogcabin's hypocrisy when it comes to the salience, pertinance, spelling and grammar of his own contributions;
- Analogcabin's omission of "child support payments" and "herpes simplex" from the list of his [Analogcabin's] problems, as if by not mentioning them they would simply go away;
Nothing will be forthcoming on any of these matters. Jimmy Saffron hopes that by refraining from comment he will not compound the damage already done by Analogcabin to the level of discourse on this once estimable website.
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That's Right. I Said It.
Posted by Analogcabin @ 3:06 PM
"To listen to this message, press one..."
And there, his voice trembling. It cracks more than normal. He is sonically impotent with rage. Sonically, and perhaps sexually.
"What the fuck is your problem?"
Deceit. Lies. Pedophilia. Onanism. Racism. Sexism. Zoophilia. Those are my problems. In a word, you, Saffron.
The real question is this: Do you have the stones to defeat me in drunken Golden Tee at The Town House tomorrow evening?
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Past His Prime
Posted by Analogcabin @ 2:26 PM
I recognized it the first time I read it, but I was willing to wait to see if I was right. Unfortunately, I was. Saffron hit his peak with the Turkey caption. It'll be downhill from here on out.
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Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Nader on the Radar
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 10:26 PM
So Ralph Nader need only post this, to evoke responses as strong as this.
Did anyone here vote for him in 2000? If so, what say you now?
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Angelica Huston: Enemy of Fun
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 10:11 PM
Leave it to Angelica Huston to choose Venice Beach as her rustication destination. I've asked it once, and I'll ask it again: what party hasn't she pooped?
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Just Remember:
Posted by Sue @ 4:29 PM
There is no parking on Windward between Pacific (the street) and the actual Pacific Ocean after 11pm. I heard a rumor this is so because Angelica Huston, whose condo/townhouse is on that stretch of road, doesn't like after-hour noises.
Anyway, the Town House is located on Windward between Pacific Ave. and the Beach. Yeah, sure it's also "technically" between the Main St. traffic circle and the beach... But I recommend Analogcabin readers follow my directions as a fresh-air loving Angelino and not from some perpetually inebriated, kielbasa stuffed, Old Style drinking Chicagoan like Analogcabin.
Just remember to kiss the ground you walk on upon your arrival at LAX this Friday, Analogcabin. You should consider yourself lucky that a ragamuffin such as yourself is even allowed access to the City of Angels. But be forewarned. You may feel a bit dizzy and disoriented when you arrive. That's not jetlag, Analogcabin. That's just you being overwhelmed by the sheer cultural, artistic and intellectual virility of this little town of ours called "Los Angeles."
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Blame It on Rumsfeld, Blame It on the Rain
Posted by Analogcabin @ 3:34 PM
Go ahead and do it, Saffron. Use Rumsfeld as a human shield. No one's fooled, including me. I'm the least fooled of everyone, and none of them are fooled.
Comeback, Saffron? It was honesty, not that I'm surprised you didn't recognize it. You, living in your den of inequity, your bastion of deceit. Call it L.A. Call it Hollywood. Just don't call it late for indulgent feasts of drugs and all manner of other base appetites, am I right, Jimmy?
"Jimmy." If that's your name at all.
Well, so-called Jimmy, prepare yourself for my coming. I return to Los Angeles on Friday, and I bring with me god's own fury. I bear judgment, and I wield a mighty thirst for vengeance.
Also, for beer.
That is why I challenge you and all comers in the Southland to join us, the meat of the Analogcabin crew, at The Town House on Friday night at 12 am. The Town House is located in Venice on Windward between the circle and the beach. You'll recognize us because we'll be the group of which one member, me, will have inflicted actually physical damage to the face and chest of another in the group, Saffron, using only expertly placed insults and lightning fast intimations.
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Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Goddamned Liberal Media
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 9:46 PM
From Tuesday's New York Times:
Speaking at the same meeting, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said such attacks were being mounted by "a limited number of people who are determined to kill innocent men, women and children." They are "being rounded up, captured, killed, wounded and interrogated."
Robbed of context, that last quote sounds somewhat ridiculous. For the sake of fairness, here's a more complete transcript:
"They are being rounded up, captured, killed, wounded and interrogated. Though, not necessarily in that order."
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Don't Call it a Comeback
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 7:01 PM
"...especially since my mother has forced air heat."
Ouch. Now there's a comeback.
All of you are probably still reeling from the sheer razor-sharp ingenuity of that line. You're asking yourselves, "was it an accident, a rare alignment of all things witty, cutting, and incisive into a singular comic stilletto? Or is this man a genuis?"
Well, let me assure you people, this is no fluke. No flash in the pan. Allow me to dig back through the annals of playground lore, to share a couple more of his chestnut salvos.
Insult: "Your mama is so fat, when she broke her leg, gravy came out."
Analogcabin: "My mom never broke her leg."
Insult: "Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies."
Analogcabin: "My mom doesn't work in a cookie factory."
Insult: "Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday."
Analogcabin: "My mom doesn't think Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. She thinks he's a rap star. And you know what, she's right!"
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A Little Stuffing....
Posted by Analogcabin @ 8:44 AM
...very little.
The implication here is that Saffron's penis is very small, and by extension (short extension, as it were,) he is a lesser man. In my opinion, it's a much more effective insult than that he had sex with my mother while I was handcuffed to a radiator, especially since my mother has forced air heat.
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Monday, December 01, 2003
For Thanksgiving Dinner, a little Stove-Top Stuffin'
Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 11:52 PM
...as in the one I gave Ma Cabin while little Analog was handcuffed to the radiator.
Oh, sweet times.
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I Think We All Know What Happened to Saffron....
Posted by Analogcabin @ 4:23 PM
Another of those embarrassing "I Slipped In the Shower and the Can of Cranberry Sauce Just Went in There" incidents at Indianapolis General Hospital. Mother Saffron weeping to the sky, Father Saffron wondering where he went wrong. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Was it making you take ballet, Jimmy? Was it marking your genital growth on the door frame when most parents measure height?
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