Anablogcabin

Monday, June 30, 2003  

Email Round 1: Sent

Posted by Analogcabin @ 12:03 PM

The first three emails have been sent. The lucky winners are djscouting, seemegowild, and cbrien1975. Brace yourselves, for the responses are sure to be swift and hurled with heavy interest.

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Profile Revision: Final

Posted by Analogcabin @ 10:59 AM

Lest you think The Committee is not dedicated, this is the second time I'll have written this version of the profile. Just moments ago, as a result of some cruel hiccup of cyberspace, an almost entirely complete (and, incidentally, somewhat more inspired) profile was lost. No amount of clicking on the woefully misnomered "Back" button would, in fact, bring it back. And so, Spence2K, you get this:
--
"
Greetings, women of Southern California and beyond, and welcome to this, my Match.com biographical sketch and personal statement. I appreciate your attention, and I hope you enjoy our time together. I know I will.

Before we get started, there's something you should know: I didn't write this. This might be jarring, especially given the use of first person, but it's true. The tall drink of water pictured off to the left is not the author of this. Rest assured, though, I am (he is) the subject. At my behest and with my consent, my quest for that special someone is being managed by The Committee -- a group of "friends" that just happen to be expert in life and love.

Allow me to explain. I, like many of you, I'd guess, have too often seen my schooner of romance founder off of rocks that might have been illuminated by the lighthouse of friends' advice. Why not let go, give over the helm to those that know me best, and allow them to "set a course for adventure" while I keep my "mind on a new romance," as the beloved "Love Boat" theme put it? Thus, The Committee was born.

I'm sure this seems strange to many of you, and maybe a little bit crazy. I say it's just crazy enough to work. Rest assured that everything you'll read here is not only true, but does, in fact, refer to me. The sole exception is the use of first person, because, as I stated above, I did not write this. I think its use is important to help you feel at ease with the idea of The Committee. So again, have no doubt that everything you're about to read is true.

First off, I'm an astronaut. Just kidding. Actually, like many others out here, I'm a transplanted easterner. I grew up in New Jersey, though I have no accent. I know -- no one who has an accent thinks they have an accent, but remember: I didn't write this. I left NJ to attend a tiny college just outside of Columbus, Ohio where I did a double major in Geology and Film. I'm told it's an unusual mix, and one that's especially useful today -- I can name that rock and tell you how to light it.

I've been in LA for about 5 years now, and I've grown to love life by the beach. I surf, and while it's not the most graceful display of aquatic alacrity, it's something I enjoy. I also like to drive out to the desert or mountains to camp, and I hope to meet a woman who's patient enough to listen to me geek out about rock formations and comfortable enough to tell me to shut up when she's had enough.

Don't get the impression that the only place you'll find me is in a tent, however. You're just as likely to find me checking out a friend's band at Spaceland. I also love to eat out. Mediterranean is probably my favorite, and that might be a result of memories of my visits to Cyprus and Spain. Or it might just be because I like meat on a skewer. I like pretty much any type of food that's interesting, and I love to track down new places in town.

And, as you might have gleaned from the whole Committee thing, a sense of humor is very important to me. I'm serious when the situation demands it, but I'd rather laugh than almost anything else. My friends are also very important to me. In fact, they're some of the brightest, most intelligent, and good looking folks I've had the great pleasure to meet. I look forward to you meeting them -- they are The Committee, after all.

Thanks for reading, and I hope I've been able to provide some idea of what I'm like. Please email if you'd like to find out more about me. And good luck with your search, in any case.

Respectfully,

The Committee, on Behalf of Digigami


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The Committee: Suspense Is Job 2!

Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:35 AM

One of the most valuable lessons a love-seeker must learn is that love takes time, especially when it's precision engineered by The Committee.

Perhaps they'll be a final profile today. Perhaps there won't.

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Thursday, June 26, 2003  

The Committee: Satisfraction Is Job 1!

Posted by Analogcabin @ 10:00 AM

As Spence2K is the client, and as satisfraction is The Committee's number one priority, I propose we finalize the profile by Friday morning and update it online. Then, we send out the previously agreed upon email to the women mentioned below. By Monday, Spence2K will be on the highway to happiness.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2003  

Posted by the spencer2000 @ 3:43 PM

It seems that The Committee has lost some of its momentum. As the rubber approaches the road I sense a general reluctance to put words into action. If action is not taken soon maybe The Committee should switch its consultancy to things that remain in the theoretical.

i am the spencer2000 <beep>


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Revision, The Third

Posted by Analogcabin @ 11:18 AM

They say confidence is the most attractive quality in men, and so I submit this:

It didn't take someone as perceptive as I am long after joining this distinguished online schatchen to realize something: the majority of participants include a disclaimer in their profile. It usually appears in the guise of casual self-deprecation, embarrassment, or feigned dismissal of the service that Match provides. "This is so weird!!" "I'm new to all this, so...." "I don't really know how to describe myself, but...." Or the ever-popular, "Well, here goes! ; )"

Rest assured, women of Southern California, I won't subject you to self-conscious rambling, namby-pamby waffling, and certainly not any of those punctuation faces. I'm not compelled to disclaim my profile, because I see my involvement in Match.com as a public service. To date, uncountable women have basked in my phermonal glow -- I see Match as a way to reach those who haven't yet had the opportunity. I'm a man of the people, elected in that most democratic of institutions -- the popularity contest. The people have spoken; they've cast their votes with love.

Despite my refusal to disclaim, I'm a man who respects custom. It seems custom here is for people to stall for two paragraphs before describing themselves in earnest. This is the third paragraph, so let me begin with my lovemaking. It's fantastic. Some men are gifted with great athleticism, others with unique artistic vision. In addition to those, I am blessed with the ability to satisfy. Like a frenzied conductor, I orchestrate two or more bodies into a great symphony of passion. From one movement to the next, I arpeggiate the pianissimo andante. When finished, relief and occassional injury melts into utter satisfaction.

At 6'5", my stylishly cut chocolate hair meets the sun's rays high to create an aura that perfectly accents my eyes. Tall, dark, and handsome, indeed. And as an avid surfer and sailor, my well-muscled body is a rugged machine, trained in the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu to defend against any man who dares offend mine or my lady's honour.

It seems natural to me for one who loves fine foods and wines as much as I do to master their creation. So I have. I am especially expert in the Medierranean cuisines, and my dishes are perfectly accompanied by my own Albatross Ale. Perhaps you'd join me for dinner? Afterward, I might make the off-the-cuff suggestion that we take a ride on my Vespa through my luxurious seaside neighborhood and down to the beach. There, we could recount tales of my travels to Africa, Europe, and the Middle and Far Easts.

Though it's natural, try not to feel intimidated by me. I entreat you to email.


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Monday, June 23, 2003  

Sidebar: The 10 Signs of Gettability

Posted by Analogcabin @ 11:12 AM

At Barry's request, below find the "10 Signs of Gettability" supplemental excerpted from the third volume of The Committee's Romance Defined reference compendium.
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A user's note regarding the below outlined rubrics: Some will argue that at the very core of romance is uncertainty; that it is the unpalatable ocher pit that makes the peachy meat so sweet. The Committee rejects this idea. "Uncertainty is the cancer of romance, beginning its rot from within." (Principia Romantica, 274.) It is this premise, as outlined in The Committee's Principia Romantica, that provided the catalyst for the creation of the guidelines found below.

The "10 Signs of Gettability" should not be interpreted as a rigid set of qualificications to be met in prospective mates, wherein the demonstration of a certain percentage indicates increased desireability. On the contrary, all people demonstrate each of the below traits to varying degrees. The point of these guidelines is to aid the suitor in identifying them and "visualating" a strategy. That is to say, proper execution of the "I.A.E." (Identify and Expoit) method of dating (The Committee: A Better Way to Date customer handbook, 14.)

Age, Advanced
A prospect that is significantly* older will have a tendancy to feel more fully in control of any situation, falsely confident that his or her "wisdom" and "experience" will prevent or mitigate serious missteps. The older prospect also tends to feel flattered by the attention of one significantly* younger.
Age, Immature
A prospect that is significantly* younger will be susceptable to influence from what they perceive to be an authority figure. The younger prospect will be especially appreciative of "interest" in his or her thoughts and feelings.
*Significant Age Difference is defined by the following formula, where Y=Prospect's Age and X=Your Age:
X+[(13+Y)/3]*2=Signifiant Age Difference.
Desperation
A prospect that feels as though they have no options in love, career, or any other avenue will be accepting of any person that appears to offer new hope, real of imagined.
Disorientation
A prospect that is disoriented literally or psychologically will be eager to embrace a person who purports to offer guidance, literal or psychological.
Distortion, Others
A prospect who has an unrealistic view of others, positive or negative, is likely to find comfort in one who either reassures or dissuades him or her of that reality, especially in the face of agents of reality that contradict the distortion.
Distortion, Self
A prospect who has an unreastic view of his or her self, positive or negative, is likely to find comfort in one who either reassures or dissuades him or her of that reality, especially in the face of agents of reality that contradict the distortion.
Illness, Mental
A prospect that is mentally ill will be susceptable to any attention that ignores the illness.
Illness, Physical
A prospect that is physically ill will be susceptable to any attention that ignores the illness.
Incapacity, Physical
A prospect that is physically incapacitated will provide full attention.
Relative Intelligence, Low
A prospect that is of low realtive intellegence will be easy to impress and manipulate.

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Friday, June 20, 2003  

Another possible revision

Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 7:48 PM

Consider the sonnet form:

Shall I compare me to a summer’s day?
I am as handsome, as charming, as gay.
Dry, but sweet, a sauvignon carbernet
(and by “gay” I meant “joyful,” not “frilly” or “fey”).

Are you smart? Active? Good looks to spare?
That, plus sense of humor, will help cure my woes.
Did I mention my Tivo? There’s drive space to share,
And record that special someone’s favorite shows.

Ride on my Vespa, live by the sea.
In Santa Monica, all this awaits,
A girl of certain advanced pedigree,
Who knows metamorphic from igneous states.

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
My username is digigami. Please call me!


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Profile Revisions

Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:45 AM

Below, find an example of a profile written in a declaratory style. Imagine a town crier, heralding the arrival of a potent and caring man's man. In this case, Spence2000.

"Behold, Women of Southern California, a Man who appreciates The Goode Things In Life -- Mediterranean Cuisine, Six Feete Under, Sailing Upon the Open Seas, and David Cross. Behold a Tall Drinke of Water, Practitioner of Brazillian Jiu Jitsu, Reluctant but Capable of Defending Ye Honour to Offenders More Small than Big. Behold, a Man who drives a Vespa.

It is a Man in Search of a Woman who is Marginally Sane, who enjoys Weekend Jaunts to San Simian, Vegas, or the Desert to Campe. It is a Man who seeks a Woman who Listens to Luna and Drinkes Milkshakes.

It is I, the Inexplicably Usernamed "Digigami," Prepared to Sweepe Ye Off Your Feete."

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Thursday, June 19, 2003  

Hard criticism, hardly constructive

Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 5:28 PM

This is the first time I've done this so bear with me.

Careful, Spencer 2K. This could be read as a bid for sympathy, or worse, a sign of weakness. Are you saying you’re the kind of person who thinks first-timers deserve special treatment? Say you’re teaching a kid how to swim. Do you fit him with a silly inner tube, or just shove him in the deep end and hope for the best? Which is gonna teach him to swim faster? It’s a question of values, of risk, of will. Remember, we live in a Bush and Rummy, preemptive strike kind of world. No place for quibblers.

Point is, it might be smart to lose the disclaimer. I understand it’s meant to be disarming, but you risk sounding like a pussy.

I'm a single guy in Santa Monica with a sharp wit (sometimes even a little caustic).

Why say you’re single? Isn’t that a given? And doesn’t she already know you live in Santa Monica? How many of these redundancies do you expect to get away with before she starts thinking you’re the real life version of that guy from ‘Memento,’ only instead of “Your wife was murdered” you’ve got “Santa Monica,” “Smallville @ 9” and “Don’t forget to buy peppermint soap” tattooed on your chest.

Also, “sharp wit” makes you sound like Rupert Everett. Ta-ta, jolly-good, cup of tea then. See notes above re: coming off like a pussy.

I try to spend as much time as I can outside.

Sounds like a nice way of saying, "I'm homeless." Santa Monica's full of them...

Enjoy movies, time with friends, bacon, sailing, photography, people watching, yada yada yada.

Oh, so now you’re bored? If you get bored this quickly with yourself, what’s she gonna want with you?

I'm well read and well traveled.

Consider replacing “read” with “traveled” and “traveled” with “hung.”

Been to Morocco, Spain, Greece, Turkey, Italy, Cyprus, and France. Just got back from Paris last week.

Last I checked, Paris is in France. See note on redundancies above.

My last job I worked for Sony Pictures for 5 years. Right now I'm writing software for a friend of mine.

Consider replacing “software” with “hardware.” You know why. I understand nobody “writes” hardware, but she won’t know the difference.

The list....

What can I say about this? Nothing really, except you mention sailing again. Congratulations, you're officially a retard.


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For Reference - Spencer 2K's Match.com profile as of 6/18/2003

Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 5:27 PM

This is the first time I've done this so bear with me.

I'm a single guy in Santa Monica with a sharp wit (sometimes even a little caustic). I try to spend as much time as I can outside. Enjoy movies, time with friends, bacon, sailing, photography, people watching, yada yada yada. I'm well read and well traveled. Been to Morocco, Spain, Greece, Turkey, Italy, Cyprus, and France. Just got back from Paris last week. My last job I worked for Sony Pictures for 5 years. Right now I'm writing software for a friend of mine.

The list....
LIKE
The West Wing, Six Feet Under, Simpsons, Alias, Smallville (my guilty pleasure);
Elliott Smith, LUNA, Flaming Lips, Grandaddy, Tenacious D, The Ramones;
Any film by Noah Baumbach ;
Surfing (but I suck);
David Cross;
Sailing;
KCRW;
Milkshakes;
Backpacking;
Middle Eastern food;
Alternative energy sources;
People who are smarter than me;
TiVo;

DON'T LIKE
assholes;
ANY kind of religious fundamentalism;
Gingko trees;
Those little postcards that always fall out of magazines;
Vomiting;
Mold;
Ricki Lake;
Cloves on ham;
Microsoft;
Light Beer;


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Mottos, Charters, and Guiding Principles

Posted by Barry @ 5:10 PM

What exactly are the 10 Signs of Gettability??

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Nominations & Notes: Wave 1

Posted by Analogcabin @ 11:27 AM

By using The Committee's "Romance Simultasking System (TM)", I combed the pages of Match while working on revisions to Spence2K's profile. A proposal for the latter will be posted later today, but below find nominations and notations for The Wave 1 Lovesault.

Username: "DJScouting"
Headline: "Big Personality"
Notes: Despite the potential for awkwardness as a result of the 16" height difference between this 33-year-old woman and Spence2K, and regardless of her desire for a man between 29 and 35, my expertise and instincts lead me to believe there is Lovetential. For instance, she is fairly attractive. Her numerous online photos show us a woman who is casual, fond of her visor, demi-Asian, and likes to drink on the street in her pajamas. The disturbing exception here is one image that is vaguely reminiscent of something a serial killer might snap before disemboweling the lass in a crawlspace. The primary conversation point would be travel: both she and Spence2K have been to Japan. The admittedly strained second talking point would be that she's a location scout for The Hollywood and Spence2K was a film major in college.
Rating: Matchtabulous

Username: "SeeMeGoWild"
Headline: "Let's Paint the Town Red!!!"
Notes: Perhaps most interesting here is the utter lack of logic in her description. Perhaps the best example is when she says that her match, "... is willing to learn to communicate his needs and if he does not know how, he needs to let me know." Something known in logic circles as the "Tell Me If You're Dumb Paradox." While that might dissuade a dilettante, I see it as an opportunity. Her reliance on cliches, such as her claim to "work as hard as she can play," couple with the illogic to reveal a woman creating autobiographical fiction. That is, she's created the person online that she'd like to become. "SeeMeGoWild" might be better called "HelpMeGoWild." She describes herself as "... a young Samantha Jones" -- a reference to HBO's estrocentric hit "Sex in the City." For the unfamilar, she means a young materialistic whore. I suspect she's not that yet, and I think it's important that Spence2K be present during this becoming. The only necessary conversation point here is for Spence to catalyze her transformation, enjoying drunken blow jobs along the way.
Rating: Matchtastic

Username: "CBrien1975"
Headline: "Kurt Warner, Take Me Away From All This!"
Notes: After some research, I've concluded that the Kurt Warner to whom she refers is Rams sixth-year QB out of Northern Iowa. While his 14082 career yardage is impressive, the plea seems both out-of-place and unrealistic -- two of The Committee's "10 Signs of Gettability." Also attractive is the casual tone of her description, particularly the first line: "Hey, party people!" Further, she's looking for a man within 100 miles of Venice -- a radius that contains not only the approximately 6 million men in LA county, but a large portion of the inland valley, and significant populations centers to the north and south -- in a word, desperation, a third of The Committee's "10 Signs of Gettability." Perhaps the single biggest factor in her nomination is that, when listing things she "loves," buried among some rather run of the mill stuff is "great linens on the bed." Spence2K is the owner of some of the most expensive bedding I've yet come across (so to speak,) and there's no doubt said bedding is the only talking point necessary.
Rating: Matcheriffic

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Wednesday, June 18, 2003  

Per The Committee

Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 11:01 AM

The Committee understands and appreciates Spencer2K's need to pull the cover off his current hobbled state, sunlight being the best disinfectant as they say. The Committee agrees that honesty is the best policy. Of course, even the best policies can still bear improvement. That said, The Committee recommends Spencer2K reacquaint himself with its policy of "Targeted Honesty (TM)" --as outlined on page 26 in his customer handbook, "The Committee: A Better Way to Date (TM)"-- prior to composing any more posts.

An example of how this might've helped things. Instead of his opening line, starting with "I get up, my blotchy stomach..." Spencer2K might have written, "I rise, my washboard stomach aglaze following the morning Pilates routine."

And so on. Note also the inclusion of the non-traditional word "aglaze," an example of The Committee's "Yes I Cant!(TM)" policy in use. The policy, outlined on page 37, encourages the use of unique and imagistic "jargon" to build connections and facilitate distinction.

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Tuesday, June 17, 2003  

Posted by the spencer2000 @ 8:01 PM

I get up, my blotchy stomach still stinging from the sunburn. New resolution: I vow to apply sunscreen more evenly from now on. I lie in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Artie to finish his morning routine. I can hear him spitting gobs of toothpaste into the sink. The sound is inhuman. It's like he is giving birth to his tonsils. Once he's gone I shower, shave, brush teeth and gingerly apply aloe vera gel to stomach. I write emails, cover letters, and rework resume. Have lunch and read "Tales of a Young Urban Failure". As I shelve the book, I notice that my bookshelves are no longer meticulously organized. There are only two sections now, made up stuff and stuff that might be true. I need to buck up. I hope coffee and ice cream will help.

i am the spencer2000 <beep>

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Monday, June 16, 2003  

Step 1: Preparation

Posted by Analogcabin @ 4:35 PM

Let me begin by saying that Spence2K's Match profile is fine. That is, it's ethical -- I see no glaring omissions or lies. It's utilitarian -- fairly easy to read and comprehend, even for the marginally stupid. It's a 16 gauge shotgun, capable of felling a passable and edible beast when wielded by capable hands. But we are about to embark on a safari, and our quarry is the thick-skinned and hoary monster called love, and to bring that beast to her knees, I think we'll need to revisit the armory.

So, Spence2K, can we create a new profile for you? Something remarkable, irresistable, sexy, mysterious, and itchy?

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Meeting of June 12, 2003 - Official Minutes

Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 3:53 PM

The regular monthly meeting of The Committee was held on Thursday, June 12, 2003, at 8:30 P.M., at the Society's building, the President being in the chair and the Secretary being present. The minutes of the last meeting were read and approved as corrected.

The Treasurer reported receipt of monies from one Christina McMullen, of Brooklyn, NY, in the amount of $5,000, as payment for services rendered under the standard Committee contract, invoice #2365-A. During the May meeting of the Committee, Operations Board reported a successful match between Ms. McMullen, a waitress and aspiring actress, and Bob DeVries, a biomedical engineer, following a series of dates and the commencement of connubial relations. Secretary read aloud the note from Ms. McMullen included with the payment. Transcription is below:

“Thank you, thank you, thank you Committee members, for all you’ve done. I thought love and happiness were beyond my reach, but you proved me wrong! Bob is everything I could have hoped for, and yet, nothing like I would’ve expected. It’s true what they say, the Committee really does know me better than I know myself! Amazing! I can’t wait to tell all my friends. Thank you again. XOXO, Chrissie.”

Delegate Parker, on behalf on the Finance Team, moved that the invoice be annulled and Ms. McMullen’s money returned because “love don’t cost a thing.” The motion was adopted without debate.

Delegate Johnson, reporting on behalf of the Membership Committee, moved "that Dr. Percival Franklin Lovesmith, MD, be admitted to membership in The Committee." The motion was adopted after debate.

The report of the Program Committee was received and placed on file.

The special committee that was appointed to investigate and report on suitable Thai food restaurants in the Olympia, Washington area reported, through its chairman, Lady Aphrodite, a resolution, which, after debate and amendment, was adopted as follows: "Resolved, That ...."

The resolution relating to the use of the Committee's Westside Rentals password by nonmembers, which was postponed from the last meeting, was then taken up. This motion and a pending amendment were laid on the table after the chair announced that the guest speaker had received a phone message which would require his early departure.

The President introduced the guest speaker, Mr. James F. Puckerup, whose subject was “Jungle 2 Jungle: Primitive Amazon Mating Rituals and Their Relevance to Modern Urban Couplings.”

At the conclusion of Mr. Puckerup's talk, the resolution relating to the use of the Committee's Westside Rentals password by nonmembers was taken from the table. After amendment and further debate, the resolution was adopted as follows: "Resolved, That ...."

Delegates PearShape and BeeStung, on behalf the Correspondence Board, moved to ratify the current draft of The Committee Initial Response Missive, as drafted by Delegates Analogcabin and Jimmy Saffron. The motion was adopted without debate. Analogcabin announced that the first use of new letter would occur this coming week, on behalf of Mr. Spencer2K of Santa Monica, CA, who sought the services of The Committee following several years of “looking for love in all the wrong places.”

Mrs. Frank moved "that the Committee undertake the establishment of a summer camp for teenagers on its lakefront property." Mrs. Curtsy moved to amend this motion by inserting the word "undersexed" before "teenagers." Mrs. Frank moved to replace “undersexed” with “dorky.” On motion of Mr. Easy Listening, the motion to establish the camp, with the pending amendments, was referred to a sub-committee of three to be appointed by the chair with instructions to report at the next meeting. The chair appointed Messrs. Frank, Curtsy, and Easy Listening to the sub-committee.

The meeting adjourned at 10:05 P.M.

Jimmy Saffron, Secretary


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For My Toil, Love Me

Posted by Analogcabin @ 10:22 AM

It appears that Jimmy and I are all that's left of The Committee, and I feel comfortable speaking for him when I say that you're welcome. Not only to you Spencer, for whom I've spent countless hours combing the pages of Match, pulling the exclamation point abusive chaff for the multiple, semi-nude picture posting wheat, but to you Barry. While I've done little more than browbeat you yet, I say that you're welcome in anticipation of the hard work I'll soon be doing on your behalf.

When I say "I," Jimmy should be included. At least partially.

And I say you're welcome to you, Internet. Your utter silence cannot disguise your gratitude for the countless laughs I've provided these many years, and the complete dearth of communcation betrays your idolization of me, and the fear of contact with what you clearly see as a divine figure. A Godhead.

And with that, I think that this week should begin the mailings. I think Jimmy and I are comfortable with the state of the introductory email, and so we should begin to choose ads to whom it will be sent.

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Friday, June 13, 2003  

Posted by Barry @ 11:16 AM

I did a report in college for my cults and sects class on the Jonestown massacre.

Anablogcabin's entreaty to me smells strangely of cherry Kool-Aid.

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A Chafing Time

Posted by Analogcabin @ 10:13 AM

It is a chafing time. We of The Committee are caught between the potential and the practical. Our dream -- a vision of a world inhabited by happy couples unburdened by the cement shoes of decision and unscripted communication floating heavenward -- is threatened by our own insecurities. In these, our earliest days, the moments when our rarified idea has become nascent reality, the question hangs heavy in the metaphorical air like a very real fart. As Barry asked, we will suck nuts?

I implore you to look again at Barry's writings, World. Feel his feelings. Perhaps, I ask Barry rhetorically, your intent was to convince us and the nation of Analogcabin readers that, while The Committee is right for some, it would never work for you. You're too complex. Too complicated. And, yes, too gay.

Well, Barry, allow me to set your heterophobia aside for a moment, and explain why your missive is exactly what we needed.

I must pause, for I am crippled by my questioning of my choice of tense in the above.

If anything, your missive was a perfect example of a plea from someone who will benefit most from our romantic ministrations. You're crippled with romantic self-doubt, and it's obvious in your post. You second-guess your own intent, deeming yourself unsuited for The Committee. Perhaps you really mean unsuited for love.

I reject that notion, Barry. You're suited for love. You just need to let The Committee pick the suit.

Allow us to work on your relationships. When you've let go and realized that there's no need to worry about anything, you'll find yourself enjoying your every minute with your match. We'll insure it.

And to assuage your fear that a straight Committee won't relate to your needs, I'm making attempts to convince Plasticbag's curator to join us. You know him and he's gay. How could he be more qualified?


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Thursday, June 12, 2003  

Suck my nut, Jimmy

Posted by Barry @ 8:24 PM

I've been openly called to task... to further explain my... (ahem) "FEELINGS" so that they may be understood by the brain trust here.

Firstly..., While I have no doubt that the committee will excel at finding a suitable partner for Spence2K (since he seems to be willing to take that enormous leap of faith), I feel that my own participation can only hinder it's success. My own thoughts on love and relationships are manic... one day I'm a romantic, the next a jaded realist. My attempts at creating humorous situations for the guinea pigs (something I surely would be wont to do) would most likely and rightly be construed by the rest of you as sadistic and harmful. Besides, I'm gay! Aren't any of you worried that I might sub-consciously work to destroy your efforts in an attempt to further my gay agenda??? Not that I have one.... Not that I know of.... But still!

Secondly..., If I were going to try to work on a relationship... it would damn well be MY OWN - first and foremost. I have no desire to put my time and effort into making someone else's relationship work (with the obvious exception of simply giving two friends each other's phone numbers... something that requires little to no effort on my part).

Thirdly..., I have to ask myself, "Would I let the committee choose someone for me?", and since my answer for the time being is "no", then I feel my decision to withdraw is appropriate. Again, I cast no aspersions on the committee but really, I've seen the gay men that some of my friends have tried to throw my way. In a word... "ick".

Lastly..., Jimmy, when was the last time you were in a relationship?



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Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 7:41 PM

I feel something, a stirring in our collective nether regions. Can you feel it kick? Oh, happy day. We're with child, and we shall call it Manifesto.

More on that in a second. First, a little infighting.

To shame, Barry! Yeah, you, with the white text on the purple background. Get over here. I've got a bone to pick, you lily-livered swine.

What about? Do the words "dereliction of duty" mean anything to you? No? How about Benedict Arnold? Know him? I think you do. I think you two are bosom buddies. I think he sends you love letters from Traitorsville. I think he's there right now, at home with your Mama, baking cookies for the homecoming. I think they're keeping the blankets wet for you.

You're not-so-graceful bowing out from the concerns of the Committee has stoked my ire, and I suspect I'm not the only one. Most irksome, I think, was the parenthetical mention of your relationship to the Ex-Catholic Philipino, as if that were just a tangential reason for your decision, and not the very reason itself!

That's right, Barry, I'm calling you out. On your dating "frustrations," your desire to "get out of your head," all of it. I'm saying it's bogus. I'm saying it's a smokescreen. I'm saying your reticence stems from little else but your complete lack of confidence in the Committee to do the job right, to parliamentary proceed Spencer 2K straight into the heart of that lovely young lady, and I, for one, am insulted. Insulted and ashamed.

Then, after our host makes a valient attempt to put some positive spin on your spineless quibbling, what do you do? You break rank again, this time brandishing some kind of ill-gained hauteur! Like you're not afraid, you're simply above it all. The nerve! The gall!

Well, you know what we say here in America: if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. And that problem, if I may venture a guess, is overthinking. When it comes to dating, we're so image-conscious, so painfully self-aware, so afraid to commit ever the smallest of faux-pas, that we end up paralyzing ourselves. We get bogged down in the bartering of personal details. We end up slaves to things like Match.com. Okay, it's got its good qualities. A great faciliator, sure. But let's call it for what it is: a distancing mechanism. All it really does is give socially tentative people a venue for self-promotion, while at the same time sheltering them from any cold looks of disinterest, snickers, sneers. Think about it: no real social interaction occurs until both people agree to meet. What Match.com promises (falsely, I think) is a haven from rejection. But it's a hollow promise, because the shelter ends the second any real dating begins. The moment you come face-to-face, and have to make that first awkward decision (do I offer a hug, or a handshake?), Rejection re-enters the equation, along with all the prohibitive over-thinking and personal politicking I mentioned earlier.

That's where the Committee comes in. We make ALL the decisions. We do ALL the thinking for you. You relinquish control, and thus, free yourself of any and all culpability. With the Committee behind you (not to mention above you, below you, and inside you), you're finally free. Free of inhibitions. Free from the fear of being thought dumb, tasteless, uncool. Free from all the things that used to get between you and that sweet sweet lovin' you were put on this earth to enjoy.

Look at it this way: the Committee is the head. You are the vessel. The vessel of love.



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Posted by the spencer2000 @ 5:04 PM

So the Peeting with Jean Grey went well. She is quite tall (5'10"), curvy, and has a quick wit. At one point I was struggling to recall what films Eric Bana has been in and asked myself out loud, "lets see…what else has he been in….". She answered, "your mama?". First date and already cracking mama jokes. Apparently Jean's parents are brainiacs. Her father has a PhD molecular biology and her mother is some type of sociologist. Jean's brother is no slouch either. He has a PhD in psychology and has been a contestant on JEOPARDY! and Win Ben Stein's Money. During our conversation I could help but notice a subtle nerdy streak in her that ran towards all things fantasy. I don't know if I should be alarmed by this? MTG?

i am the spencer2000 <beep>


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Posted by Barry @ 2:54 PM

Never before have I been so trepidacious about an idea.

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The Committee: A Better Way to Date(TM)

Posted by Analogcabin @ 11:02 AM

Barry's heart-felt surrender to "healthy behavior" leads me to a conclusion: The Committee is better than I thought. In fact, it just might become a consultancy.

In the third paragraph of his post, Barry expressed a feeling I suspect is universale (the "e" originally was a typo, but I think I'll leave it and instead italicize the word) among singles -- frustration, and the desire to "get out of [one's] own head about [it.]" I've felt it myself, long ago in a single galaxy far away. In those rare moments of reflection afforded one's self between illicit alleyway fumblings and wild, raccoon-costumed ménage à beasts, one thinks, "If I could just set my silly preconceptions and issues aside, I'd be able to find that special someone."

Surrender yourself to The Committee, and have no doubt -- we have no problem setting your issues aside. In fact, we barely care about your "wants" and "desires" at all. The Committee's slogan? "You won't always get what you want. You'll get what you need." Nice, huh? Now we just need a jingle. Something classic, but kind of rockin'. Something that says, "Buckle up and enjoy the ride, my single amigo!" If it doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up over it. Blame The Committee.

My suggestion, Barry, is that you allow us to handle your love life for a while. We'll set you up with a Match account. Let go and let us.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2003  

Posted by Barry @ 7:14 PM

I myself have been wanting in the date department as of late.

As time passes I'm learning that while it's not very difficult to find someone to date, it is extremely difficult to find someone of substance, with the same interests, a good head, a good sense of humor, and envy-inducing looks that I'd want to date who might also be interested in dating me.

Because of my own frustrations with my current situation, and my hopes to get out of my own head regarding this, (not to mention my personal association with one of Spencer's potentials), I've decided to restrict my blogs to other topics.

Committee dating is just not where my head is at the moment.

Am I a wet blanket or what?

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We Got a Gamer

Posted by Analogcabin @ 6:49 PM

Now my intent is not rub your proverbial faces in the metaphorical it, but the Spence2K obliged my request to share the listing for tomorrow's Match match. And while I remain skeptical over her too forthright discussion of the bikini wax, I can say that I found her ad to be enjoyable. Self-deprecating but self-assured, humorous and marginally sincere. It was a riff on a Zagat review. An interesting approach, and one that might make up for her unhealthy interest in comic books. I can't say that I approve of Spence2K's renegade dating, I can say that I'm marginally optimistic that she'll participate moving forward. It is now in the Spence2K's court.

And as for Dani, all I can say is that it's never to late to make up for it, Barry. Bring her to our court, for we are merciful and just.



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Posted by the spencer2000 @ 5:32 PM

It appears that The Committee harbors disdain over my recent independent dating initiatives. I hope The Committee will look at my personal initiatives as a type of scientific control group rather than an indication of my confidence in its abilities.

The date with Dani seemed to go well. It turns out she is ex-Catholic Pilipino from West Covina. For the fist minute I thought she had a lazy eye, but I think I was just seeing things. Cute face, pouting lips, supple bosoms, altogether, an attractive girl. She seemed very personable, well spoken, and friendly too. The only negative comment I'll make is this, she painted herself as one of those girls who always has an overbooked schedule. You know, the kind of girl where all dates require three day advanced scheduling. I don't think I could call her a 4:30 on Friday and ask her to meet me at the Townhouse at 7:00.

We parted ways with the understanding that we would meet again. At least I think we did.

Tomorrow, coffee with Jean Grey. I think Jimmy Saffron's "glass is half full" (and filled with some type of radioactive isotope) assessment of the upcoming encounter is a bit reactionary. That being said, I will be on guard.

i am the spencer2000<beep>

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Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse Me

Posted by Barry @ 5:00 PM

Sorry for the betrayal folks but you all were late to the game. Spence and Dani actually had their first meeting weeks ago and only later did each of them ask me for the other's number.

So there!

I am nothing if not a facilitator. (BTW, is it just me or does "facilitator" sound vaguely sexual in nature? More specifically... orally sexual?)



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Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 3:57 PM

Spurred on by our host's concerns, I decided to take a closer look into the comments of Spencer2K's coffee drinking quarry. What I found was disturbing. Quite disturbing, indeed.

For instance, were you aware of the source of the word "bikini?" Bikini is actually the name for an atoll in the Ralik Chain of the Marshall Islands in the west-central Pacific Ocean. The area was the site of U.S. nuclear tests between 1946 and 1958, including the first aerial detonation of a hydrogen bomb on May 21, 1956.

The implications of this are vast, and cannot be ignored. Because, as we all know, the word "wax" has several connatations, as well. It can refer to the hot, sticky substance used to remove body hair. It can also mean "assassinate." You cannot deny the possibility that the phrase "bikini wax" has been appropriated into the lingua franca of the international espionage community to mean nothing other than death by nuclear annihilation.

Thus, it's my belief that you, Spencer2K, may be a target for nuclear assassination tomorrow at Peet's Coffee. Perhaps via exposure to deadly radiation. Or a dirty bomb. As for this "clean place for you to work," let me just say that I understand Heaven to be a very, very clean place to do anything. Heaven, Spencer2K. The afterlife. That which follows death. Death by nuclear annihilation.

Don't say you weren't warned.

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Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 2:54 PM

On the one hand, I'm happy for the recent upsurge in Spencer2K's dating prospects. On the other hand, I'm outraged that the Committee was not consulted first.

On the one hand, I commend Spencer2K for his bravery, and wish him the best. I hope that one, if not both, of these dates flowers into something more. On the other hand, I hope he fails utterly, and returns to the Committee a broken, penitent shell of a man. Only then can our real work begin.


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Mayostard

Posted by Analogcabin @ 2:43 PM

You seemed nervous in the email, Spencer2K. Your words halting.

First, I demand that you share the username of the girl you plan on Peeting. I demand this as a Committee member and as a concerned citizen. My concern stems from the bikini wax comment. If indeed she uttered the phrase "so you'll have a clean place to work," I suspect this woman may be a hooker. It's very forward, Spence2K, and if she's no nightwalker, I wonder if it is a cover for insanity waiting to burst to the surface, ruining your life, or at least complicating it.

Telling me her username will allay my concerns, no doubt.

And as for Dani, I feel betrayed by both Kerry and the Spencer2K. She was dangled in front of us, and now it seems that the machinery is set in motion before we've had a chance to throw in our monkeywrenches.

I suggest that Jimmy attend this Peeting. I suggest that he sit, fedora pulling down toward his nose, across the cafe. I suggest he watch the meeting through holes cut into his copy of USAToday's Life section.

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Posted by the spencer2000 @ 2:07 PM

I would like to inform The Committee that I have set up my first physical meeting with a Match.com girl. It must be understood that I contacted this girl before the formation of The Committee, but despite the lack of precision-engineered emails, we have developed a familiarity with each other. I guess this was enough to warrant a face-to-face encounter at Peet's Coffee tomorrow. I have a good feeling about this girl. As I was about to hang up the phone she said something about getting a bikini wax so I would have a clean place to work.

Hereafter I think we should refer to said girl as Jean Grey. Apparently she has an affinity for the X-Men or Cyclops, I don't know which, but role-playing was mentioned.

I must close now as I have lunch date with the lovely Dani at La Dijonase Cafe in Culver City.

More later.

i am the spencer2000 <beep>

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 12:19 PM

Jimmy, that's a remarkable email. It was at once humorous and sincere, and I think any woman would be taken with the mystery of it all.

There's one thing lacking, I think -- a section on why the Spencer2K has chosen to Match by committee. Allow me to suggest some minor additions (and subtractions) below, but I think we're well on our way.

Nothing to this point...

That’s why I say congratulations. In garnering a response from me, you didn’t just meet a single person’s set of criteria. You met several peoples’ sets of criteria, a veritable gauntlet of specifications, created by a committee composed of several different men representing a diverse spectrum of interests and backgrounds, all of whom have a say in each and every decision that affects my love life. That group is known as The Committee.

I know this sounds crazy, and you're probably wondering why I've chosen to allow The Committee so much influence over my love life. Like many people on Match, I'm tired of dating the "wrong people." But I see every romantic situation as a learning adventure, and I try to grow as a result of each of my experiences. One lesson I've learned is that my friends sometimes notice problems before I do. So what better way to find the perfect someone than by committee? Thus, The Committee was born.

I suggest the above changes as an attempt to make Spencer2K seem sincere. Without a section on motivation, I suspect they'll think this is all for comedy's sake. Perhaps that's correct, but we should cover our asses.

Granted, this email must seem strange to you. But I believe that honesty is the best policy -- if I didn't inform you of The Committee’s presence at the outset, and things between us developed, I'd risk really upsetting you when The Committee made itself known. And the fact is, it will become known. There’s no getting around it. Like I said, they were the ones who arrived at the decision to contact you, and as such, they will continue to participate at virtually level going forward. Even this email, for instance, is a product of The Committee’s work.

Pretty amazing, huh? Reading it now, I’m astonished at how close they’ve come to approximating my written voice. They’ve captured my tone and meter perfectly, right down to the exclamation points! If I didn’t know better, I could have sworn I wrote this myself!

But I didn’t. They did. Every word. And you can be sure it was not written hastily. Every paragraph is calibrated, every sentence nipped and tucked. In a way, you’re lucky to be the recipient of such an exquisitely crafted piece of correspondence. Write me back, and more will follow. If I were you, I’d hold on to them. Who knows what they’ll be worth in twenty years?

Is that enough for now? I'm guessing the answer is yes. You've had a lot to take in with this email. In closing, let me just say thanks for hanging in there, and once again, congratulations on your selection by The Committee. I look forward to hearing from you, as does The Committee -- part of their job is to assist me in parsing your email, presenting me with several different interpretations, or “opinions,” on how you're shaping up as a potential match. My advice: just be yourself. It’s all I can ask for, really.

Wait! I forgot to mention anything about myself! Hello. My name's Spencer 2K. Nice to meet you. I'm in my mid-twenties, I'm about 6' 5", and I drive a scooter. I enjoy surfing, fine dining and sailing.

I felt like the closing of Jimmy's first draft was a little too intimidating, so I tried to soften it up a bit. I also attempted to be a bit more subtle about the mention that The Committee will be reading any response.



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Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 11:01 AM

“[MATCH.COM USERNAME]”

Let me start by saying, congratulations! You’ve succeeded in piquing my interest. And that’s no small feat, believe me. Just in eliciting this response from me, you’ve achieved something truly extraordinary, something the majority of the women on this website simply could not do. And that makes you special. I mean it.

It’s not that I’m super picky, or hyper-shy, or so vain that I consider an email from myself to be some kind of gift reserved only for the most blessed of females. Not at all. In fact, the decision to respond to these ads actually has very little to do with me.

“How is that possible,” you might be asking yourself. “How can this guy not have anything to do with choosing to respond to my ad? What, does he have some kind of committee, made of his friends, that makes these decisions for him?”

You might ask yourself that, and you would be right.

That’s why I say congratulations. In garnering a response from me, you didn’t just meet a single person’s set of criteria. You met several peoples’ sets of criteria, a veritable gauntlet of specifications, created by a committee composed of several different men representing a diverse spectrum of interests and backgrounds, all of whom have a say in each and every decision that affects my love life.

Please, don’t be alarmed! I know this sounds crazy. But I really see no choice— if I didn't inform you of the committee’s presence at the outset, and things between us developed, I'd risk really upsetting you, not to mention legal action, when the committee made itself known. And the fact is, it will become known. There’s no getting around it. Like I said, they were the ones who arrived at the decision to contact you, and as such, they will continue to participate at virtually level going forward. Even this email, for instance, is a product of the committee’s work.

Pretty amazing, huh? Reading it now, I’m astonished at how close they’ve come to approximating my written voice. They’ve captured my tone and meter perfectly, right down to the exclamation points! If I didn’t know better, I could have sworn I wrote this myself!

But I didn’t. They did. Every word. And you can be sure it was not written hastily. Every paragraph is calibrated, every sentence nipped and tucked. In a way, you’re lucky to be the recipient of such an exquisitely crafted piece of correspondence. Write me back, and more will follow. If I were you, I’d hold on to them. Who knows what they’ll be worth in twenty years? At the same time, don't be discouraged. It would be really difficult for each of your missives to match and/or surpass the quality of mine. That would be futile. We're talking about the work of one versus the work of ten. Also, we’ll be facing a time crunch, since the committee will insist on reading and analysing each of your responses prior to my seeing them. Part of their job is to parse through each of your messages, presenting me with several different interpretations, or “opinions,” on their underlying meaning and intent. So you see, it behooves you not to take too long in writing back. My advice: just be yourself. It’s all I can ask for, really.

That said, let’s get down to it, shall we? Hello, I am Spencer 2K. Nice to meet you. I'm in my mid-twenties, I'm about 6' 5", and I drive a scooter. I enjoy surfing, fine dining and sailing.

Is that enough for now? I'm guessing the answer is yes. You've had a lot to take in with this email. In closing, let me just say thanks for hanging in there, and once again, congratulations on your selection by the committee. I hope to hear from you in the near future. And like my grandma used to say, "take your time, but hurry up!"




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Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:49 AM

And, to return from brief editorial respite, I agree with "Kerry's" suggestion, and me is the perfect word to misspell -- at first blush she's sure to think that it's a typo. Upon repetition, she'll grapple with the possibility that it's a physical palsy involving the left middle finger, or just patent stupidity.

Will anyone else proffer a draft of this email? And to whom will it be sent? "Kerry's" Dani? Someone from Match?

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:45 AM

Believe it or not, it's been one week since someone other than me posted on Analoblogcabin, and what a week it's been. Already, we've lost one if not two of our contributors to what might be called an unfortunate coincidence, bad judgement, questionable ethics, or overreaction. We've seen topics come and go. Remember Jimmy's day at work? Bumblebee29? Yeah. I do, too. It's been a wild ride, America. A wild, wild ride.

But weekaversaries like this are times of reflection. They are times to examine what got us to the top of this crazy game we call "The Internet," and what's going to keep us there as we charge chest-first into the 21st century.

It's for this reason and others that I've decided to suggest some guidelines for Anablogcabin. If you object, by all means respond. This isn't an edict. It's a Declaration of Independence, and this, to quote Bill Pullman, is our Independence Day.

Article One: NAMES, THE CHOOSING AND USE THEREOF
Contributors are encouraged to choose a pseudonym. This will shield the authors from retribution by agrieved parties, at least a little bit. It will also allow us to pretend that judgements levied against and insults hurled at other contributors weren't actually directed at the person, but at the character. While we all know that this simply isn't the case, I think it's healthy to live in denial. If you choose the path of honesty and unconflicted voyeurism, we will treat your chosen name (in this hypothetical, that is your real name) as though it were not real. Similarly, only refer to contributors by their chosen name.

Article Two: SNIGLETS, THE USE THEREOF
While we should respect Rich Hall for his genius, we should not use Sniglets.

Article Three: GRAMMAR, RESPECT FOR AND PASSING DEFFERENCE TO
Spelling is a difficult thing, especially when writing into something without a spellchecker. But punctuation and capitalization, those forgotten remnants of the days before email, should be respected. While it's unlikely that anyone other than us will read this, we should maintain a modicum of grammatical decorum. In order for our dream -- to have this be discovered for its genius and our lives transformed by book deals and talk shows -- to become a reality, there'll have to be an indication of where one sentence ends and the next begins.

Does this seem bitchy and/or dictatorial? There's nothing to stop your from completely disregarding what I've suggested. It's just that I know we've got it in us... the potential for creating something truly compelling and unbearably readable.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2003  

Posted by Barry @ 6:11 PM

Oh... p.s. [EDITED], regarding your "Spencer's Potential Match.com Letter" post that was so very well written -- so very very well written -- I thought it might be funny if Spencer kept misspelling the same word over and over again. example: "a bit of personal information about mee.... My friends tell mee I look like Matt Damon.... as for mee, I like P'zones".

Just a thought.

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Posted by Barry @ 5:57 PM

The "we" I refer to is the friend and myself who were present at the moment the word "fauxmosexual" was created (just a scant two weeks ago). I could have said "I have a new word" but then that wouldn't have carried the weight of importance that I was going for. You may propagate this word profligately but just in case the OED someday is searching for its origin, I want you all to know that it was first put into print right here at Anablogcabin.

Also... some friends of mine in San Francisco have been spreading around a new term of their own (which they have heard said back to them while they were visiting Los Angeles -- they were obviously delighted). The term is "baby arms" It means "lines of cocaine" since they are supposed to be white, fat, and pure. Feel free to throw that one around as well.

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 1:52 PM

Perhaps it's because I'm feeling very self-satisfied that readership is becoming important to me.

Let's be honest, America. My last post was an unmitigated success. On topic, only slightly conceptual, not too obviously derivitive, free of spelling errors (I think)... it was a rocket ride. For something close to five hours I've been waiting for the accolades, but still there are none. Clearly, this is not because the material is sub par; it's because this site isn't as popular as it should be.

We've got the goods, gentlemen. For example, look at what is arguably the world's most famous blog -- Dear Raed. This guy can barely speak the language. If this is what passes for infotainment today, well... I just don't know. Kerry knows Tom Coates, the Dick Wolf of the blogging community. Get him to plug us.

And, so as not to alienate those who persist on discussing things "important" or "marginally important," let me address this whole gay thing.

I'm not talking about the earlier discussion on the acceptability of the term into the vernacular as described (that is, the proverbial gay shirt.) I'm talking about Kerry's post of June 6 at 07:41 PM (I'd link to it, but I don't know how.) He begins by saying "We have a new word to replace...." Who is the "we" he references? And why am I writing about him as though he's not reading this?

Who did you mean, Kerry? The Gays? If a word, like Fauxmosexual in this case, has its genesis with the "We," should everyone else feel comfortable using it? Or should we treat it like "nigga" -- with the kind of kid gloves that allow me to use it with my very white friends but not with my black friends? And let's pretend for a moment that I have black friends.

It's this kind of ownership of a word that I find fascinating, especially since I belong to a group that owns no words. My fascination, for those who know me, seldom stops me from using potentially offensive words that I don't own, and this often results in offense.

But this is my cross to bear.

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:14 AM

"[MATCH.COM USERNAME]:

If writing these emails isn't the most awkward thing next to public pants-wetting, I'm not sure what is. Still, I was captivated by your ad. So much so, I wet my pants. At the library. Also, I was compelled to write. Needless to say, it's a little awkward.

I suppose I should begin with a little bit about myself: I'm in my mid-twenties, I'm about 6'5", and I drive a scooter. I enjoy surfing, fine dining, and sailing. In fact, I think that the perfect date would be a duck broaster accompanied by potatoes in the au gratin style complimented perfectly by a strawberry wine. Wait. I mean that the date and I would eat that stuff. Not that I'd date the broaster. We'd dine on the deck of a great schooner under the Pacific stars, then I'd force you into a burlap sack filled with rocks and sink you to the bottom of the sea.

I'm sorry. That was forward. I meant, "my date," not "you."

I was particularly entranced by your interest in [INSERT INTEREST HERE.] I'd love to hear more about that. When did you first [TRY/SEE/HEAR] that? I ask because it's also one of my great loves, and I don't believe in coincidences.

Except there was this one time. I'd been invited to a party, and stopped off at a liquor store to pick up some Mickey's Big Mouths. As I reach into the cooler to grab the Mickey's, this other guy with kind of a lazy eye is also reaching for the Mickey's. And it's the last pack, right? So I tell him he can take them, because I'm magnanimous, and I just grab a four pack of B&J Coolers. Anywho, I show up at the party and who walks in right after me? The lazy eye guy... with the Mickey's. Now that was a coincidence.

In closing, I'd really love to get to know you better.

Spencer2K
"



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Monday, June 09, 2003  

Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:18 AM

It's difficult, sometimes, to keep up with what's happening here. So, as I sit with my morning stomach rumbling somwhere between hunger and diarrhea -- the whines and squeals of bile and bilge shifting downward as the gas rises, I wonder upon which of these topics I'll shine my coveted attention.

It's Spencer's love life by a P'Zone.

I think we should craft for him a wonderful email -- an email fit to send to the Match woman below. And I think we should use this forum to set Spencer up with Kerry's Dani (a cloying name, I think.) But like Jimmy Saffon, I think we should discuss protocol.

I also think that my whole-hearted agreement with Jimmy on this point is a fine example of why our pilot never seems to get written.

Just now, prior to my attempt at a first draft email to the unnamed woman below, I wanted to refer to her ad. I clicked the link, and it no longer works. Thus ends my attempt. Too bad, because I was cooking up something having to do with modesty and pants-pooping.

Does anyone have her username?

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Sunday, June 08, 2003  

Posted by the spencer2000 @ 6:40 PM

4:33 pm (PDT)- As I was watching Mr. Jealousy this afternoon I began to wonder why I never developed a cool affectation. It seems like all the cool affectations are already taken.

am i the spencer2000? <beep>

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Saturday, June 07, 2003  

Posted by Analogcabin @ 5:03 PM

This morning I was not shocked to see that a something I crafted artlessly late last night while drunk somehow didn't post. I don't recall what might have gone wrong, but I do remember the crux of my message.

I think "kike" is spelled with a y. Like this -- "kyke." Or, to bring it back to the gay thing, "dyke." I could be wrong about this.

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Friday, June 06, 2003  

Posted by Barry @ 7:41 PM

By the way... we have a new word to replace "gay" when describing individuals who SEEM gay (homosexual), but in fact are not - such as Ryan Seacrest who hosts "American Idol". The new word: Fauxmosexual.

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Posted by Barry @ 6:04 PM

Back to the "gay" thing... since no one else is stepping up to the plate and since I am a self-avowed 'gay' let me dribble some brain matter for a moment.

Personally, when i hear someone (who I do not know) who I might assume is heterosexual use the word "gay", as in "that shirt is so gay", I take no offense.... perhaps because of the intended meaning. In that situation, I would interpret the use to mean "weird, kooky, or over the top" - none of which are particularly negative. Besides, we're talking about a shirt (i.e. an object) here.

If, on the other hand, I overheard the same hetero say "that faggot is so gay"... well... umbrage would be taken - maybe not a lot - but sure, I'd be vexed. I'd have a harder time accepting the word coming from said hetero as a describer of BEHAVIOR.

Really, I think it relies completely on the tone and intent of how the word is used - no matter who is using it. In decades past, "gay" was a joyous pleasant silly word ("gaiety", "gay old time"). It only became a slander when it was used to describe homosexuals and even then it seems like it had to be attached to a negative swear such as "Those fucking gays are moving in everywhere". As a describer of gay men (or behavior) it's not even that harsh. It's much easier on the ears than "queer" or "faggot" (and we even seem to have succeeded in reclaiming the hate word "queer" in the last few years.)

Yes, the word "gay" in it's current descriptive usage does connote things that are annoying or unpleasant/displeasing or irritating, etc., etc. but I truly believe in my heart of hearts, when I overhear adolescents and teens using it with one another, that the word has evolved beyond it's association with homosexuality to become an adjective all on it's own. Other slanders - like "nigger" or "kike" - have not undergone such an evolution and perhaps SHOULD NOT - but my feeling on this is that "gay" did not originate as a slur and is more easily malleable. Would I prefer that it mean "engaging, humorous and attractive"? Sure! But I'm not gonna quibble. While it's unfortunate that a closeted 14-year-old on the playground might overhear the same "gay" phrase and feel disparaged or uncomfortable by it's use, I think that is a symptom of his being uncomfortable in his own skin. Do I think it's potentially harmful to him? Yes. Do I think the boys using the word MEANT to harm him? No.

In short, I believe you can tell if there is negativity implied towards homosexuals by the tone and phrasing when it is used... and yes, familiarity does help as well. I doubt I'd be offended by any members of this group using the word "gay" in ANY situation. (In fact, I thought it was real progress when last week Dan said to me "That cock up my ass felt so GAY")

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Posted by The Reverend Harlow Jesse Carpenter @ 5:11 PM

Gay Pizza Pics?

1st: Gay

If somebody were to tell you "that shirt is so gay," you’re probably not going to take that to mean that your shirt is merry, lively, or jovial. It may be all of those things, but this person most likely thinks your shir t looks wussy. Only very elderly people who spent their youth in East Egg would intend otherwise. The word’s meaning has definitely evolved beyond Merriam-Webster, and I would contend e ven beyond slang and into everyday friend-speak.

So is it still offensive to gay people to use the word as a derogatory (albeit light-hearted) put-down? Or has the word’s meaning evolved past the point that its sexual connotations are even relevant? By using it in this context, does this person think that your shirt is prissy, wimpy or trendy-in-a-superficial-sort-of-way, or do they secretly think these are inherent traits of the entire gay population? Until you know this person well eno ugh to understand whether or not they mean it "like that", how can you know for sure?

So if you must, use the term only with people you know well. Perhaps even as a gauge to measure the comfort-level of your relationship. But be prepared to be bitch-slapped.

2nd: Pics

This whole "Inter-ma-net" thing is making dating a much more stream-lined process. In my day, the process of sending a "pic" involved a run to the Kmart Photo Center to buy some 35 mm film, scouting a good location for the shoot, 12-24 frames spent trying to capture the perfect depth of field… composition… exposure…, dropping the finished roll back at Kmart, waiting a few days to pick it back up, discovering your huge thumb in every shot, repeating s teps 1-4, choosing the least hideous one of the batch, writing an apologetic accompanying letter desperately trying to convince your potential mate that it’s not really a very good picture of you, mailing it off, and then never hearing from them again. I t once took weeks to be filtered out - now, mere minutes. Would "courtship by committee" be a step backwards?

For the record - the Interrogator’s phrase "I too enjoy the art of filming" puzzles me. It’s just very odd phrasing, suggesting that she really doesn’t know any more about "filming" than your average "American Pie" aficionado.

3rd: Pizza

Pizza Hut’s P’zone. It’s a pizza folded over like a calzone and meant to be eaten like a sandwich (lightly brushed with motor oil before serving). The apostraphed name, the marketing slogan – "Pizza for them, p’zone for you!". So faux. So Gen X-treme. But why do they market it to the Gen X-tremers and not adults? Is it because evolution is on the side of the young? In a hundred years, will pizza be an old-timer's dish, like liver 'n onions is today?

In short, I think the P'zone is gay. Any other thoughts on the matter?

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Posted by Barry @ 5:01 PM

Let me just state my concerns here and now before we all find ourselves in court, in front of a woman judge, while opposite us Gloria Allred glares in our direction while comforting her forlorn client.

1.) I've been asked to set up my co-worker Dani and Spencer (by BOTH of them amazingly). Am I obligated to mention this 'experiment' to my co-worker at any point in the near future???

2.) What happens if a member of the brain trust becomes enamored with the guinea pig (for lack of a better term -- I really do like women - I swear! well... sometimes.... Actually most of the time I could do without the company of a woman) and decides to cock-block Spencer2000?

2.) What's to keep a sadistic fucker like myself from creating a completely fictional online female on match.com just to mind-fuck the rest of you???

That will be all for now.

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Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 3:21 PM

Ethics don't concern me so much as procedure. Before we solicit any young woman's participation, we need to structure this somewhat. We need ground rules. Milestones. We need to be able to tell her exactly what she's in for, and make it clear that this won't be some kind of epic spirit-crushing haze on par with her first week of sorority rush.

A few ideas:

We warn her that anything she puts in a message to Spencer2K will be subject to intense scrutiny by the committee. When it finally arrives in his inbox, it will be accompagnied by our myriad "interpretations" of what she is really saying.

"Careful, Spencer2K. Her professed love for ponies may not be as innocuous as you think. She may want to make *you* her pony, to corral you forever, mark you with her brand, and make you pose for silly Christmas cards with her bratty neice. So to speak."

We'll claim it's for his "protection."

Also, over the course of the date, Spencer2K will be required to work certain words into the conversation. Words like "flange," "donnybrook," "gazebo," "harelip," things that wouldn't come up unless our beleagured suitor was crafting some kind of elaborate metaphor.

"On my last job, our team was the cleft lip of the project, and I was the harelip."

Afterwards, we can quiz the young lady.

"At any point during the evening, did Spencer2K use the term 'gazebo?'"
"Yeah, when he stubbed his toe."

And so on.

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 2:35 PM

UPDATE: I've just received word that Spence2K's earlier post is in the territory of what certain jurists might call "precidented illegality." Ah, well. You can't make an omlette without breaking a few laws, right? It's gone now, anyway.

That little hiccup aside, I think that we should proceed with Project: Cyrano as Jimmy's suggested: We find a prospect, and we ask her to participate. If she says no, as she's sure to, we simply move on. There are so many fish in the sea, after all, and I don't see how this is any different than any other article on the woes of dating in the digital age.

Do we debate the ethics of this, or do we damn the torpedos? Torpedoes?


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Posted by Analogcabin @ 2:17 PM

Can you feel the excitement?

Let me begin by saying that, while I find both Kerry's concern over the death of dissent and Billy's semio-cultural (made that one up myself, Noam) examination of "gay" interesting, and while I hope they're topics to which we return, I'm certain that ruining any chance Spence2K has of sleeping with his Match prospects is going to be the more robust thread. Is that because we're intellectual pretenders? I would suggest the answer is yes.

What Jimmy suggests is a fine idea indeed. Fine bordering on hilarious. Hilarious bordering, coincidentally, on absolutely terrifying to any woman in her right mind. Her fears aside, I think that this experiment is exactly what the internet lacks. Not since The Spark's "Date My Sister Project" has comedy collided with utter self-absorption and gentle misogyny with such profound and dangerous results.

And I say that before it even happens. Who says the .com bubble... bursted. Burst?

The woman I referenced below seems fairly well-written. She claims to be more sarcastic than Dennis Miller (collectively, we shall gasp in awe). I think she's a fine first prospect.

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Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 1:44 PM

I like where this "dating by committee" idea is going. Was that the idea? Well, it is now. In short, we help Spencer2K choose his quarry, we collaborate on his correspondance, and when the date comes around, we have a say in all the ensuing where and whens and hows.

My only concern is that this not turn into the weblog version of "In the Company of Men," and in order to acheive that, I think we have to let the girl know early on what's happening. We give her this URL, maybe even let her blog in. We present it as a kind of experiment. Sure, she'll have to be the adventurous type, but I think it could happen.

Here's our pitch: "It's 'The Bachelor' meets 'Herman's Head.'" If she doesn't remember "Herman's Head," well, that's strike one.

I just like the idea of Spencer2K looking over the wine list, then picking up his phone to "call the committee."

Thoughts?

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Posted by the spencer2000 @ 1:05 PM

It has been made clear that the spencer2000's emails to the fairer sex have been less than adequate. The spencer2000 therefore asks the help of the Analog Cabin brain trust. Perhaps there could be a collaborative effort to make first contact with a nubile young lass such as the fore mentioned amy72.

i am the spencer2000 <beep>

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Posted by Barry @ 12:06 PM

I was gonna ask the group(???) if the world always seemed this bleak to people of our age (me-33) and intellect (movers/shakers/whatnot) or is this dark road we're on somewhere we haven't yet been? --- but after reading some of these blogs I want to just scratch that whole bleak society dark road thing. Anyways... I'm just lamenting the death of the dissenting voice in America or perhaps the death of 'doing the right thing' in government/politics. Whatever... I'd much rather lament the fact that I have this much knowledge on Spence's love life. "What are the last 3 books you read and WHY did you read them??? (That is so GAY)

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 11:59 AM

There are innumerable schmucks on Match, Spence2K, but why haven't you emailed this one?

I hate for this to degenerate into a message board, yet I've just crafted The Post Most Guilty. Someone write something witty and insightful about this ad, won't you?

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 10:02 AM

I suspect that Spence2K's below email exchange is truncated. Edited. Abbreviated. I suspect this because there's an out of place reference to Deco architecture. And I wonder how long after Deco comes the cybersex. Or how much before.

Perhaps it's the sole benefit of being the ringleader here, but Spence sent me a picture of the interrogator. In a bikini. And a lei. A black and white profile shot standing in the knee-deep waves. She's attractive, though I wonder what might be hiding on the obscured right side of her face. A cyst or lazy eye. Terrible burns or a robotic eye that glows red from within as its metal iris closes, the sound of a tiny motor whining as it zooms and extends from its cybernetic socket. I want to post the photo here, but I'm certain that would be unethical. Perhaps if I pixelated her face.

Billy's suggestion was good, but I think we should take it further. A full court Cyrano. I'd like to see more correspondence. I'd like for Spence to include us on all his missives to the spy. She will become the spy who loved us. All of us. I'd like for Spence to make an audio recording of the first date or telephone call, and I'd like for him to post the transcript here.

I don't know if this is cruel.

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Thursday, June 05, 2003  

Posted by Analogcabin @ 9:27 AM

Not to turn our thoughts far from the inaugural whines, guilt, and ennui, but this Match.com discussion is more interesting to me right now.

I'm fascinated with personal ads, especially the Missed Connections variety, so I suppose my interest in online dating sites shouldn't come as a surprise. To me.

Why is it I write about myself as though I'm an historical biographer struggling to find The Real MacArthur?

I've had a number of friends use online dating sites, and most with success. OK. Two I can think of, plus Spence2K.

One, I'll call him John Rocco because that's his name, created an account on one of the sites after his divorce. He'd share the emails and photos giddily (Interesting word choice, me. Oh... thank you.) and we, like the over-oft referenced schoolgirls, would decide arbitrarily and with only the most superficial things considered who warranted a response.

If I'm being truthful, I was much more superficial than John. He was giddy and giggled, though.

I remember that John went on a few dates arranged with people on the site, some more successful than others. Eventually he met a woman -- a marginally successful actress who's name I don't remember. I met her once or twice. She seemed quite nice, and was remarkably attractive.

Thinking about it now, maybe he met her at a party.

I also know a couple, now married, that met online. They're kind of dumb people, now heavily involved in a pyramid scheme involving long distance carriers or something ("It's about deregulation... can't lose!"), but they're attractive.

Anyway, I find the ads fascinating.

I wonder if Spence2K would agree to share some of this with us. And I wonder if it's wrong, ethically or legally, to put any of that correspondence up here. Does email work like phone recording, and would we be covered by the Linda Tripp clause.

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Wednesday, June 04, 2003  

Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 5:28 PM

Poor bumblebee29. Makes a tactful attempt to warn any potential suitors about her mutant third arm, only to have spencer2000 jump down her throat.

Nice to know I'm not the only one who experiences pangs of guilt after publishing my thoughts. Such is the divided self. There's my emotions, and then there's how I feel about my emotions, with the question often being, "am I entitled to those feelings?" As prone as I am to feel the world owes me something, I'm just as quick to recognize how irrational, foolish and solipsistic such feelings of entitlement are.

So, do I want your sympathy? Sure. No, wait, I don't. Well, can I just borrow it for a little bit?

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Posted by the spencer2000 @ 4:55 PM

Maybe I am average and not at all interesting. I sincerely hope that's not the case, but as time passes most of the signs point in that direction. My profile on match.com is nothing special. I am not the worst looking guy on the site but I'm also not the best looking either. For every one of my interests that I perceive to be out of the ordinary, I have another of equal measure that is utterly ordinary. In fact, match.com is a soup of very average people looking for very above average mates. We're all saying "Look at me. Look at me. I'm very different from the next person". While it's true, none of us are exactly alike, we are only different in the most pedestrian ways. "I'm different because I like to eat chocolate covered celery. Isn't that strange. All my friends think I'm such a nut, a chocolate celery eating nut. Oh yea, I love the outdoors, music, and walking my dog." Last night I wrote a rather angry email to bumblebee29 who claimed she was "not your run of the mill girl" even though nothing in her profile supported such a claim. I insisted she remove the word "not" from "not your run of the mill", and told her to except the possibility that she is a carbon copy of every other average girl.

Mercurochrome please.

As my gym teacher, Mr DiParisi, used to say, " Hey Brooks….Brooks…You know what I like about you?". I would respond, "What's that Mr. D?". He would respond, "Nothin'".

i am the spencer2000 <beep>

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 4:20 PM

And as quickly as it set upon me, the nearly post-coital guilt of my first post, it has passed.

The guilt stemmed from dismissing my cohorts here as honkies that feel the world owes them something. And though counting myself among them, sincerely or not, was a well-engineered non est mea culpa, I still felt bad, albeit briefly.

Perhaps Jimmy's post below is designed to illicit sympathy for honkies like us (that is, him.) But I feel only rage. Rage because he claims to read The Times Op/Ed section in five minutes but takes ten with Variety.

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Posted by Jimmy Saffron @ 3:30 PM

Slow day today. See for yourself:

8:30AM - 9:00AM: Read Preston Sturges. Satirist. Wunderkind. Certified genuis. Never knew his father. If I never knew my father, would I be a genuis? This contemplattion of why I'm not a prodigious talent happens quite often, certainly more often than it should. Was I made some kind of promise early on, is that why? Come on, America, I'm talking to you.

9:00-9:35AM: Read The New York Times op/ed page online. Panic and flip to Excel when I hear a coworker pass behind me. Not sure what that stems from. What's to be ashamed of? It's not like I'm checking out a porn site. Although, while reading her column, I've contemplated doing things with Maureen Dowd that might classify as such.

9:35-9:40AM: No memory. Whatever happened here is lost to time. This happens often. Somebody rides by on a scooter.

9:40-10:00 AM: Make phone calls. My quarry: missing invoices.

10:00-10:10AM: Resist temptation to click on the Internet Explorer Icon. Sometimes this happens involuntarily. I'm halfway through typing "www.imdb.com" before I catch myself. Buckle down, do more work instead. Data entry, this time. My thoughts turn to prostate cancer. A buddy once suggested that the reason so many men get prostate cancer is because we spend so much time sitting on our ass, ignoring our physiological edict to hunt and gather. This seems plausible to me. I get an image of myself, stalking the aisles of the agency where I work, nude, unshorn, carrying a spear, my testes adrift, on the trail of a wilderbeast. A good image. Yes, yes. Hunter-gatherer. Re-invigorated, I adjust my seat, call about another invoice.

10:10-10:20AM: Refashion my playlists on Itunes. Why so many tracks without album information? This will not stand. I discover the software automatically builds a list of my top 25 most played songs. My delight in this feature soon gives way to distress. How can "Little Acorns" be on here and not "Gary's Song?" I think about listening to a certain song more often, to boost its standing. But would that be tainting the results? I reconsider, then marvel at how large a role guilt plays in my daily machinations.

10:20-10:30AM: Receive an email about masseuse openings, then another asking if anyone has a refridgerator for sale. Watch people queue up to the copy machine.

"There you are. Ooo, purple sweater, today. Nice. Do you ever wear the same thing twice? How much clothing do you have? Hair pulled back, I like it. What are you? Asian? Hard to tell from here. I like your slow, ambling gait. Keep that, lose the earrings. Hey, who's that guy talking to you? Why is he wearing sunglasses? What?! He gets a hug! For what?!" I marvel at feeling possesive over a girl I don't know, but just watch from my perch on the second floor.

10:30-10:35AM: Again, lost to time. What to call this? Short-term amnesia?

10:35-10:45AM: Read "Variety." Metallica has a new album called, "St. Anger." How funny is that?

10:45-11:00AM: Contemplate my place in the world. Feel instantly ashamed. I imagine myself being held accountable, at some later date, for all my failings, for every haughty, arrogant, overly-confident thing I've ever said, for every presumption that I was somehow better than this, that I was capable of more. In my head, I start to apologize. "I'd take them back," I say. "I was young, brash, stupid. Blind to the truth. Now, I'm a temp making $10/hour, and I know. I understand. I am nothing." I think about this person I'm addressing, this Judge. Who is that? Is it God?

Email alert. Invoice received. Boo-yah!! Pass the wilderbeast, yo. I'm hungry.

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Posted by Analogcabin @ 10:37 AM

"Kanoodling." And I'm sure that's not how it's spelled. I'd imagine it's a Yiddish word, and I understand it means something like cuddling. But I think that it sounds like what I've been doing for the past few days.

After a sprint toward the completion of the year-long redesign of this site -- a redesign that can be described only as "not worth it" -- I've been rounding up a staff.

Shall we take a moment to ackowledge that the phrase "rounding up a staff" sounds kind of gay?

I tell myself that the idea is to create a "diaweblog" -- a dialog weblog, written by an interesting and diverse collection of people. And how original of me to make a compound word out of an already truncated bit of trend-speak. Our posts will become fantastic and thoughtful conversations, like old and important letters stored in some fancy box in a Smithsonian sub-basement. Written by Ben Franklin to, like, Andrew McCarthy. We'll tackle the big issues and make them small; we'll tackle the small issues and make them big. We'll plumb the depths of our souls with wordcraft and wit that's sharp like... a tack. And we'll poke ourselves and each other with that sharp thing, the tack, then we'll apply some Mercurochrome, have a delicious sandwich, and let the adulation roll over and assuage our egos.

And maybe that's what it'll become, but I'm already failing on at least one front: the staff isn't looking very diverse. So far we've got four upper-middle class honkies, each more self-involved than the other. Each feels slighted by the world's unrelenting disinterest in him. Each feels as though the popular kids and the prettier girls should have paid more attention in middle school, but each rationizes that now by saying it's because those kids were stupid.

I used to work with someone named Edmund. I found him annoying, generally, but once he said something that I've repeated many times since, and I feel indebted to him for it: Another coworker was upset that no one responded to his emails, and wondered aloud if people were receiving them at all. Edmund replied, "When no one picked you to be on their team in gym class, it wasn't because they couldn't see you."

I've been stalling, but kanoodling sounds better. I don't care that I'm not using it correctly. I've been kanoodling, waiting for a staff that will sufficiently prop me up. I've been kanoodling updating the site's sections. But it doesn't really matter, because the whole damn thing is CB Radio.

I count myself among the gym class unseen, I guess, and I enjoying kanoodling with those like myself.

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Sunday, June 01, 2003  

Posted by Analogcabin @ 3:22 PM

Analogcabin is back online and, while certain sections are still being constructed, it is ready to service your every need.

Look forward to an entirely new approach to infortainment and entercation that will harness the power of the internet to punch you in the face.

In upcoming weeks, join us here at the hilariously titled "Anablogcabin" to follow the trials and triumphs of a team of writers that will collaborate to create a symphony of writing so delightful you'll probably consider legal action. The team will also be crafting new personal ads, available in the Classifieds section, engineering various hoaxes, chronicling their travels in words and pictures, and so much more.

For longtime fans, you can still find all your favorite editions of the memoirs and some of the other features that helped to make Analogcabin America's favorite internet destination.

All this and more, brought to you free as a public service of TPKI, LLC.

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